I just completed my first practice exam with a score of 72%--the lowest passing exam score. That is kind of amazing, since I thought that I was getting about 50% of the questions right as I was taking it. Apparently Ryan Gosling, and my former client, are correct and I have lots of knowledge.
For anyone wondering abut the PAMs, my doctor is reluctant to try anything else since the PAMs have made me feel so bad. I've decided to stick it out and do the best I can with my current drugs. I feel a little bit more stable already, so I think I'll be okay.
Time to iron...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Something I needed (other than more Diet Coke)*
I'm talking an end of chapter study break (and also getting more Diet Coke) and I decided to make myself something.
My absolute and all-time favorite client said that to me at our last meeting prior to her retirement. It's one of those things that I've just tucked away for times that I've needed it.** I used to want to say it to The Man. Something would go wrong and I'd want to snap back "Oh yeah--well _______ _______ says I have so much knowledge, so what do you think about that?" Anyway it makes me feel better.
By the way, you have so much knowledge too.
*Do you think I could get Diet Coke to sponsor me? Then maybe I wouldn't have to retake this exam.
**She did not preface it with "Hey Girl," if you were wondering.
My absolute and all-time favorite client said that to me at our last meeting prior to her retirement. It's one of those things that I've just tucked away for times that I've needed it.** I used to want to say it to The Man. Something would go wrong and I'd want to snap back "Oh yeah--well _______ _______ says I have so much knowledge, so what do you think about that?" Anyway it makes me feel better.
By the way, you have so much knowledge too.
*Do you think I could get Diet Coke to sponsor me? Then maybe I wouldn't have to retake this exam.
**She did not preface it with "Hey Girl," if you were wondering.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Don't press the red button
I'm training in a live system. There are no dummy accounts. Since I will soon have the authority to place trades they went ahead and built my screen with this big red button that says "Submit Order." Supposedly the red button isn't supposed to work, but...live system...we can't test that out. I live in fear every day that I'm going to submit an order by accident and sell someones shares. Whomever built the system didn't think things through because the "Model Transaction" button is right next to the "Submit Order" button. We model transactions in training all the time to see what would happen if a trade was placed. I'll also model transactions all the time when I'm actually working to give people different scenarios to execute their trades.* If I'd built the system, I'd have put the "Model Transaction" button as far away from the "Submit Order" button as possible to try and prevent accidental pushings, but (as usual) no one asked me. Bottom line--click carefully and enjoy the little panic attack that you have every time you model a trade thinking "did I just hit that red button by accident?"
Last night I discovered that my body does not tolerate the "Pam" family of drugs. Lorazepam, Diazepam, and all their friends in the benzodiazepines family. These drugs are supposed to reduce anxiety, but they make mine worse. I think that I've said this before, but I feel like I'm living in a constant state of "fight or flight." The Pam drugs are supposed to relax you, and for me they relax my body, but not enough to sleep, and they certainly don't quiet my mind. I had an extremely bad experience last night--I would describe it as feeling like you needed to run away from a lion, but then finding that your legs wouldn't work. Thankfully the Pam that I took last night was a fast acting one, so it wore off quickly. I ended up huddled on the couch, alone in the dark, eating Oreos** until it wore off. This morning I called my doctor, whom I seem to have stumped. He asked me if I could make it through the weekend, which I can. He wants to think about it, and hopefully on Monday he'll have come up with a non-Pam anxiety drug. Or, if I can stick it out for about two weeks, I'll know if the increased dosage on my mood stabilizer is working, and then maybe I won't need anything else. Do you all get tired of reading about my pharmacology? It helps me to write it down. The Husband isn't a great listener when it comes to this stuff.
For some good news--I don't think I broke my tooth. I think that I just broke some bonding off my tooth. According to the dentist, my teeth are too big for my mouth, so before I got braces they had to pull several teeth to make room for everything. After I got my braces off, my teeth were bonded to make them the same size and shape of everyone else's teeth. After careful examination, it looks like I just ground off some binding (which is why my tooth doesn't hurt). It is kind of annoying, so I'll have to make a dentist appointment soon to get it fixed. Since bonding is not as hard as teeth, grinding off my binding sounds less scary to me.
The Husband just finished my Häagen-Dazs without asking. That wasn't very nice. It's probably because I was correcting him regarding Facebook. (But there's a big difference between a shareholder and a venture capitalist and it was getting on my nerves...just like everything lately.)
*Whose still with me? I'd have lost The Husband by now. He's currently not talking to me because I kept correcting him when he was trying to talk about the Facebook IPO. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I didn't really sleep last night and I'm grouchy.
**Probably not the best choice, but it made me feel better
Last night I discovered that my body does not tolerate the "Pam" family of drugs. Lorazepam, Diazepam, and all their friends in the benzodiazepines family. These drugs are supposed to reduce anxiety, but they make mine worse. I think that I've said this before, but I feel like I'm living in a constant state of "fight or flight." The Pam drugs are supposed to relax you, and for me they relax my body, but not enough to sleep, and they certainly don't quiet my mind. I had an extremely bad experience last night--I would describe it as feeling like you needed to run away from a lion, but then finding that your legs wouldn't work. Thankfully the Pam that I took last night was a fast acting one, so it wore off quickly. I ended up huddled on the couch, alone in the dark, eating Oreos** until it wore off. This morning I called my doctor, whom I seem to have stumped. He asked me if I could make it through the weekend, which I can. He wants to think about it, and hopefully on Monday he'll have come up with a non-Pam anxiety drug. Or, if I can stick it out for about two weeks, I'll know if the increased dosage on my mood stabilizer is working, and then maybe I won't need anything else. Do you all get tired of reading about my pharmacology? It helps me to write it down. The Husband isn't a great listener when it comes to this stuff.
For some good news--I don't think I broke my tooth. I think that I just broke some bonding off my tooth. According to the dentist, my teeth are too big for my mouth, so before I got braces they had to pull several teeth to make room for everything. After I got my braces off, my teeth were bonded to make them the same size and shape of everyone else's teeth. After careful examination, it looks like I just ground off some binding (which is why my tooth doesn't hurt). It is kind of annoying, so I'll have to make a dentist appointment soon to get it fixed. Since bonding is not as hard as teeth, grinding off my binding sounds less scary to me.
The Husband just finished my Häagen-Dazs without asking. That wasn't very nice. It's probably because I was correcting him regarding Facebook. (But there's a big difference between a shareholder and a venture capitalist and it was getting on my nerves...just like everything lately.)
*Whose still with me? I'd have lost The Husband by now. He's currently not talking to me because I kept correcting him when he was trying to talk about the Facebook IPO. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I didn't really sleep last night and I'm grouchy.
**Probably not the best choice, but it made me feel better
Thursday, May 17, 2012
It's called grammar people.
I probably shouldn't criticize the grammar of others. I would be very afraid if someone took a big red pen to this blog, however lately two things have been aggravating me like nails on a chalk board. (Or when you accidentally knock your teeth together, which bothers me more than nails on a chalk board.)
The first is people feeling the need to omit the verb "to be." This seems to be regional, as I'd never heard it before I moved here and now everyone says it. For example, I would say "the garage needs to be painted." People here say "the garage needs painted." Where's the verb? (Okay, I just Googled to see what kind of verb "to be" is and now I'm wondering if I'm using it unnecessarily.) Regardless*, it sounds weird to me.
My other irritant is the phrase "I seen." I know this one is wrong. I like what Urban Dictionary has to say about this one:
*Not irregardless, another teeth clinker
**I feel like I need to justify my crying so here's what happened...today was May Crowning at Sweet Pea's school and as part of the service we all prayed a couple decades of the Rosary. If you are unfamiliar with it, this is how the prayer goes:
Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
You pray the Hail Mary a lot when you pray The Rosary and all I could think about was the line "now and at the hour of our death" (yes, Catholics are a morbid people) which was playing on a loop in my head when I was in the hospital. I think that I had something like a flashback. To be overly dramatic, I think that I have something like mild PTSD from my time in the hospital, which (aside for the drugs) was not good for me.
***I bet you're really curious now. : )
The first is people feeling the need to omit the verb "to be." This seems to be regional, as I'd never heard it before I moved here and now everyone says it. For example, I would say "the garage needs to be painted." People here say "the garage needs painted." Where's the verb? (Okay, I just Googled to see what kind of verb "to be" is and now I'm wondering if I'm using it unnecessarily.) Regardless*, it sounds weird to me.
My other irritant is the phrase "I seen." I know this one is wrong. I like what Urban Dictionary has to say about this one:
| I seen | |||
What uneducated people say in place of "I saw". Dumbass: Yo, I just seen that Lemony Snicket movie! I am hearing both of these daily... In other news, I went to the doctor today. I had a hard day and I got to his couch and just started crying.** He had a discussion (I watched) with himself about increasing my anti-psychotic medication or my mood stabilizers. Since I'm at the top of the safe range for the anti-psychotics he went with the mood stabilizers. I guess at the end of the day it's better to be unstable than psychotic. So, I've got a drug adjustment... The doctor did have a good idea--he said that since I felt bad that I should get a do-over for both my birthday and Mother's Day. (I encourage all of you whose husbands dropped the ball to do the same) You can get me this. (WARNING--THIS LINK IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK OR FOR PEOPLE UNDER 18.***) | |||
*Not irregardless, another teeth clinker
**I feel like I need to justify my crying so here's what happened...today was May Crowning at Sweet Pea's school and as part of the service we all prayed a couple decades of the Rosary. If you are unfamiliar with it, this is how the prayer goes:
Our Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
You pray the Hail Mary a lot when you pray The Rosary and all I could think about was the line "now and at the hour of our death" (yes, Catholics are a morbid people) which was playing on a loop in my head when I was in the hospital. I think that I had something like a flashback. To be overly dramatic, I think that I have something like mild PTSD from my time in the hospital, which (aside for the drugs) was not good for me.
***I bet you're really curious now. : )
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Update
I updated my Profile or Bio or whatever you call it to reflect my new situation, just in case you want to read it.
Also, Mr.X stepped on my foot yesterday when we were hugging for the second time (because apparently we're hugging now) and I woke up this morning to my toe nail falling off. Awesome.
That's all.
Also, Mr.X stepped on my foot yesterday when we were hugging for the second time (because apparently we're hugging now) and I woke up this morning to my toe nail falling off. Awesome.
That's all.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Trite or Trivializing
I've tried to come up with a title for this post, but everything that I think of is either trite or trivializing, so we'll just call it that.
R's husband passed away last Sunday, on her birthday, and today was the funeral. I was a lovely service, but very sad, as you would expect. He was 33 years old. I'm glad that I had the details and that The Husband and I were able to attend.
Of course, attending this funeral meant that I was going to see lots of people from my former Triangle. (This is where this post is going to be insensitively all about me, because I'm just like that.) I had expected everyone (with the exception of K, who never got along with R) to be at the funeral since R worked there for over 12 years, but that was not the case. Seriously, no one there has manners. They never did. Only Mama X, Mr. and Mrs. X, Mr. and Mrs. Big Cheese, and the Mole were in attendance. We talked to Mama X before the service while the family was receiving visitors and spoke to everyone else afterwords. I am so glad that I have a job. My job sounds very impressive and important when I explain the details and both Mr. X and The Big Cheese were suitably impressed. The Husband noted on several occasions how I very politely shut them down. I didn't even know that I was doing that. I did notice that seemed kind of in awe when I rattled off the client list that I'd be working with. (It's an extremely impressive list--but one that I can't share this way.) As I was talking to Mr. X and The Big Cheese, I was realizing (again--this was not a new realization) that in the ten months that I was there they never really "saw" me. I think today, just maybe, that realized a tiny bit of what they let slip through their fingers. I am happier now. And now I will never see them again, unless we somehow run into each other at Whole Foods.
I am very sad for R and for her husband's family. It has been a very emotional day.
(Also, I have a new favorite song--it's an "Alleluia" by a modern composer. I won't make you listen to it, but I've been listening to it on my iPhone on repeat all day and it seems to be keeping the panic attacks away. Last night I listened to Thomas Tallis on repeat all night and slept better than I have in a long time. I need to figure out how to get the music on my iPhone to turn off after a few hours and then have the alarm wake me up, so I can always sleep like that.)
R's husband passed away last Sunday, on her birthday, and today was the funeral. I was a lovely service, but very sad, as you would expect. He was 33 years old. I'm glad that I had the details and that The Husband and I were able to attend.
Of course, attending this funeral meant that I was going to see lots of people from my former Triangle. (This is where this post is going to be insensitively all about me, because I'm just like that.) I had expected everyone (with the exception of K, who never got along with R) to be at the funeral since R worked there for over 12 years, but that was not the case. Seriously, no one there has manners. They never did. Only Mama X, Mr. and Mrs. X, Mr. and Mrs. Big Cheese, and the Mole were in attendance. We talked to Mama X before the service while the family was receiving visitors and spoke to everyone else afterwords. I am so glad that I have a job. My job sounds very impressive and important when I explain the details and both Mr. X and The Big Cheese were suitably impressed. The Husband noted on several occasions how I very politely shut them down. I didn't even know that I was doing that. I did notice that seemed kind of in awe when I rattled off the client list that I'd be working with. (It's an extremely impressive list--but one that I can't share this way.) As I was talking to Mr. X and The Big Cheese, I was realizing (again--this was not a new realization) that in the ten months that I was there they never really "saw" me. I think today, just maybe, that realized a tiny bit of what they let slip through their fingers. I am happier now. And now I will never see them again, unless we somehow run into each other at Whole Foods.
I am very sad for R and for her husband's family. It has been a very emotional day.
(Also, I have a new favorite song--it's an "Alleluia" by a modern composer. I won't make you listen to it, but I've been listening to it on my iPhone on repeat all day and it seems to be keeping the panic attacks away. Last night I listened to Thomas Tallis on repeat all night and slept better than I have in a long time. I need to figure out how to get the music on my iPhone to turn off after a few hours and then have the alarm wake me up, so I can always sleep like that.)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
And this is why I have dreams about my teeth falling out
For at least 13 years I've had a recurring nightmare about my teeth falling out or becoming porous and disintegrating. I've had this dream often enough that I've looked it up in several dream books/websites and dreams about losing your teeth usually accompany periods of extreme stress and they mean that you are insecure about something, worrying about failure, or abandonment. The first tooth falling out dream that I remember clearly coincides with studying for my Series 7. I grind my teeth when I sleep (also a sign of extreme stress). When I was studying for my 7 I ground my teeth so hard that I chipped one of my front teeth. After that I had a mouth guard made, which is supposed to help with my headaches and also prevent the teeth grinding. Last night I managed to grind my teeth so hard that I chipped a tooth with my mouth guard in my mouth. I'm still trying to figure out how on earth this was possible. My tooth doesn't hurt--this time I seem to have taken off the corner of one of my molars. I'll go to the dentist sometime and the dentist will grind down my tooth so it isn't sharp any more. Right now it's just kind of annoying. Anyway, if anyone was doubting my stress level, this should prove it. Also, this is why I have dreams about my teeth falling out.
Today is my 35 birthday. I'm now old enough to run for president*. I don't really have issues with my age, so that isn't bothering me. I am feeling kind of petulant today because I had to remind The Husband to get me a birthday cake (actually a birthday lemon meringue pie). Since it is only one day a year, I would think that The Husband could remember to get me something.
Work is a lot of worksheets. It's weird, but it's kind of like playing the piano. I've memorized the majority of the commands in their precise order and I'll find myself on a certain screen and not really remember how I got there--my fingers just knew where to go. I'm going to have to be extra careful with what I write about work, so there is probably going to be less of that. Although I'm glad that I still will work in a triangle.
Finally, The Man called to wish me happy birthday today. He's like my ex-boyfriend or something sometimes.
*The Husband thought that you had to be 40 and kept arguing with me, so I had to Google the Constitution and read out loud from Article II.
Today is my 35 birthday. I'm now old enough to run for president*. I don't really have issues with my age, so that isn't bothering me. I am feeling kind of petulant today because I had to remind The Husband to get me a birthday cake (actually a birthday lemon meringue pie). Since it is only one day a year, I would think that The Husband could remember to get me something.
Work is a lot of worksheets. It's weird, but it's kind of like playing the piano. I've memorized the majority of the commands in their precise order and I'll find myself on a certain screen and not really remember how I got there--my fingers just knew where to go. I'm going to have to be extra careful with what I write about work, so there is probably going to be less of that. Although I'm glad that I still will work in a triangle.
Finally, The Man called to wish me happy birthday today. He's like my ex-boyfriend or something sometimes.
*The Husband thought that you had to be 40 and kept arguing with me, so I had to Google the Constitution and read out loud from Article II.
Monday, May 7, 2012
The Mothership
I have started to write this at least 15 times and I can't get the words out. So, I am sitting down now with a 10 minute time limit and I'm going to write something, because writing does always make me feel better.
I've decided to call my new employer The Mothership. It is exceedingly fitting. Also "M" and "MS" are codes for a lot of system things and I've taught my class the mnemonic* device of "The Mothership" to help them remember. I'm good with the mnemonic device.
Work at The Mothership is good and frustrating at the same time. I work with a lot of very nice people, which is good. It is frustrating because I am in training and it feels like I am going to be in training until the end of time (or June 1, which feels like it's a REALLY long time away). I'm lucky, I guess, and all the material is coming to me very easily, but that's what makes it boring. Today we were hand-calculating commissions on trades, so we'd understand the theory and would be better able to explain it. I've been able to do that since college, so I breezed through my worksheet and then sat there for almost an hour, doing yet another anti-money laundering continuing education thing, while I waited for my classmates to finish. It's like that every day. I'm happy that it's easy, but I wish it was more challenging and that it would give my brain something to do. I'm not doing well with idleness right now.
I'm listening to this right now.
I'm working on memorizing it and also transposing it down about a step and a half (maybe two steps--I'm still working on it) in my head so I can sing it. It is so soothing and I need soothing right now.
I'm not doing so well right now. I'm so anxious that I feel like I'm going to snap in half if someone looks at me the wrong way. I thought that the anxiety would ebb now that I'm employed and I have less to worry about, but it hasn't. I'm stuck in this cycle to anxiety and I can't break it. I need some drugs for that. For the first time in my life I've kind of gone off food. I was by myself this weekend and I barely ate anything. I just packed lunch for myself at work and I could only stomach the idea of yogurt and strawberries. I'm too worried to eat. I don't even know what I'm worried about...everything...nothing...all at the same time. I'm feeling very bipolar right now. I hate mental illness. I wish that there wasn't a taboo and that I could just talk about it. I wish I could talk to work people and tell them how fragile I am feeling. I also really want to withdrawal, which I can't do, and that's really hard. Having a conversation at lunch is exhausting for me. I just want to be by myself, but then when I am by myself I'm sad. This time of year is very hard for me. This is the fourth birthday in a row where I haven't felt well, so I believe my doctor when he says that the change of seasons really affects some people. I'm going to the doctor on May 17th--a week from Thursday. I can hang on until then.
*Did you know that word started with an "m?" Spellcheck said that it did and I had to Google it because I thought it was a different word then what I meant.
I've decided to call my new employer The Mothership. It is exceedingly fitting. Also "M" and "MS" are codes for a lot of system things and I've taught my class the mnemonic* device of "The Mothership" to help them remember. I'm good with the mnemonic device.
Work at The Mothership is good and frustrating at the same time. I work with a lot of very nice people, which is good. It is frustrating because I am in training and it feels like I am going to be in training until the end of time (or June 1, which feels like it's a REALLY long time away). I'm lucky, I guess, and all the material is coming to me very easily, but that's what makes it boring. Today we were hand-calculating commissions on trades, so we'd understand the theory and would be better able to explain it. I've been able to do that since college, so I breezed through my worksheet and then sat there for almost an hour, doing yet another anti-money laundering continuing education thing, while I waited for my classmates to finish. It's like that every day. I'm happy that it's easy, but I wish it was more challenging and that it would give my brain something to do. I'm not doing well with idleness right now.
I'm listening to this right now.
I'm working on memorizing it and also transposing it down about a step and a half (maybe two steps--I'm still working on it) in my head so I can sing it. It is so soothing and I need soothing right now.
I'm not doing so well right now. I'm so anxious that I feel like I'm going to snap in half if someone looks at me the wrong way. I thought that the anxiety would ebb now that I'm employed and I have less to worry about, but it hasn't. I'm stuck in this cycle to anxiety and I can't break it. I need some drugs for that. For the first time in my life I've kind of gone off food. I was by myself this weekend and I barely ate anything. I just packed lunch for myself at work and I could only stomach the idea of yogurt and strawberries. I'm too worried to eat. I don't even know what I'm worried about...everything...nothing...all at the same time. I'm feeling very bipolar right now. I hate mental illness. I wish that there wasn't a taboo and that I could just talk about it. I wish I could talk to work people and tell them how fragile I am feeling. I also really want to withdrawal, which I can't do, and that's really hard. Having a conversation at lunch is exhausting for me. I just want to be by myself, but then when I am by myself I'm sad. This time of year is very hard for me. This is the fourth birthday in a row where I haven't felt well, so I believe my doctor when he says that the change of seasons really affects some people. I'm going to the doctor on May 17th--a week from Thursday. I can hang on until then.
*Did you know that word started with an "m?" Spellcheck said that it did and I had to Google it because I thought it was a different word then what I meant.
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