And today they fired me

Happy Fucking New Year.

I wish I had some shrimp corn dogs.

Well, that's a metaphor for something

Thanks to all of you who have inquired about my job situation--I'll update you below.

But first, a story...

On December 23rd I went into work and I was one of the first ones there. On my desk was a Chipolte gift card, no note or anything, just a gift card laying on my desk. I love Chipolte, so I thought that little Chipolte Christmas Elves had visited the office overnight to bring me gifts, since I was all bitter about a lack of office Christmas gift and/or bonus. No one said anything about it, so I just put it in my wallet and figured that my little elf wished to be anonymous.

This evening, the family and I went to Target to make several purchases for our trip to Illinois tomorrow. After shopping we decided to get some Chipolte and I happily presented my gift card. Guess what--it was totally empty. No money had been loaded onto it. Now, I know that could have been an oversight on the part of a Chipolte employee when many gift cards were purchased, but the way things are going right now, it feels like a metaphor.

On to the details...

After a very nice Christmas with my family (and delicious Shrimp Corn Dogs--more about those later), I went back to work on Tuesday morning and was told by Mama X that R no longer worked there. R's husband has really been declining, but something feels really wrong to me about R's leaving. Will has made several really stupid comments about "needing someone who can do the job" with regard to R. One of the reasons that this feels so weird is that there has been no official communication from The Big Cheese or Mr. X regarding R's leaving. It was left to Mama X to tell me and no one in authority has said a word to me about it.

Initially, The Husband thought that R's leaving gave me a little more job security, but I've never felt that way. If they are willing to fire someone whose husband is dying of cancer, they won't hesitate to cast me aside. Also, today I overheard a portion of a conversation* between Guy and K and it sounds like K has been given R's job. K has been cleaning out R's office and she's been really eager to do that. I can't imagine her being that helpful if there wasn't something in it for her.

This brings us to me...no one has told me anything. The Big Cheese, Will, Mr. X and even Al Gore had a big "strategy meeting" on Tuesday**. Mr. X sent me home from work early before the meeting started. I think that I decision has been made, but they aren't telling me what it is. I am a chicken and am afraid to ask. We normally have a Monday Morning Meeting, however that's been moved to Tuesday because of New Years. Those meetings are usually pretty low key, however two email reminders have already been sent out about this one. I have a really bad feeling that they are going to announce my new position to me in front of everyone at the meeting, like it's a done deal. I've gone over several reaction scenarios in my head for that one--I'm not sure what I'll do if that happens.

After all of this though, I'm not sure that I really want to work there any more. They have treated me badly and if my gut is right, they've treated R even worse. I used to admire what I thought was drive and ambition--now I think it might just be greed.

(Take a minute to absorb the serious part.)

And now to completely change the subject.

Shrimp Corn Dogs are AWESOME. Do you like shrimp? Do you like Corn Dogs? Imagine the two things together and you get the awesomeness that is a Trader Joe's Shrimp Corn Dog. If you live near a Trader Joe's run, do not walk, and get some for yourself. I recommend stocking up because I am worried that they may be a holiday only item. To further tempt you, here is a picture of them when they are cooked (along with another favorite, Trader Joe's Shrimp Tempura).

We had a lovely Christmas at my house. On Christmas Eve, we had my new tradition--The Feast of the Seven Dishes. I think that I will keep that up and make seven different snack foods so we can have a little party before church. Our church's Midnight*** Mass was beautiful and I'm working on forgiving myself for a major vocal mistake that I made while singing O Holy Night. (It was so good in my dining room--I honestly don't know what happened in church. Everyone at church said it was lovely, with the exception of our choir director, who is also my voice teacher, so there really was an issue.) We were lazy all day on Christmas. My iPhone alarm accidentally went off at 7:45--if it wasn't for that I don't know how late Sweet Pea would have slept. She loved her new bike and Bitty Baby from Santa. I also made one of the best things for dinner that I've made in a long time. Should you need a fancy-ish dinner, try these Fontina and Prosciutto Stuffed Pork Chops with pan-roasted grapes (sounds weird, tastes good) and polenta. I made creamy polenta, instead of grilled. I recommend cutting the polenta recipe in half, since we will be eating polenta well into the New Year.

Also, The Husband and I went to see "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" yesterday, which was one of the best films that I have seen in a long time. I enjoyed all three books, even though they were one of the weirdest things that I've ever read. I was worried about the violence in the movie, but I had imagined it much worse than it looked on film, so I was okay. If you're looking for a good movie to see this weekend, that's the one I would go to.

Anyway, we're heading into the New Year. I am excited to be spending it with good friends. I am anxious about my job (see note about eczema). I am trying not to be. Thanks for reading this past year. Here's to hoping that 2012 is a great year for you and that I can quickly find a new, and better, triangle to work in.

(I feel kind of bad for always stealing from her, but I guess it's really promotion... Read this post from The Bloggess. I know just how she feels.)

*Not by snooping--people in the office just talk really loud in front of me (and I have bionic hearing--really I do--that's actually what it's called).

**I have eczema patches around my eyes as a stress trophy from that one

***But celebrated at 10:00

My Present to You

Toast

I'm really stressed out. This might be news to you if you are living under a rock. Even The Husband (who is usually really obtuse) has picked up on my stress level.

Although I love Christmas, I (like many people), get so caught up in having the "perfect day" that I forget to enjoy myself. I'm trying really hard to give myself a break this year.

I haven't baked any cookies yet, and I'm thinking that I probably won't. This is okay because I bought Milk Chocolate Salted Carmel Butter Cookies from Trader Joe's.* I also bought a chocolate ganache present cake and a pumpkin tart (also from my friend Trader Joe). On Christmas Eve, I will not be cooking any part of the Feast of the Seven Fishes. (If you are unfamiliar with the Seven Fishes, you are lucky. It is a weird Italian Catholic thing and it involves having to cook or eat Baccala. Baccala is gross--that is all I will say about it. It can also involve eels.) Instead on Christmas Eve, we will be enjoying stuffed mushrooms and shrimp corndogs**, again, from my friend Trader Joe.

I had some moments today where I started to freak out about food, and Clay Aiken, and whether or not I was going to get Friday off of work, and the fact the Sweet Pea's Ritalin isn't doing anything and I feel horrible giving it to her every morning. In another very mature moment*** (when I was on the brink of tears at lunch) I thought about what I could control. The answer was food, and that's really it.

Although ultimately I decided that the therapist I was seeing a little over a year ago was doing me more harm than good, she did have her moments, and one of them was a time that I was crying about having a frozen lasagna in the house. (The Husband does not believe in frozen lasagna. He also doesn't believe in cooking himself--this makes life hard.) My therapist was able to get me to stop and actually listen to how insane I sounded. I was barely holding it together and I was worried that I hadn't made lasagna? I'm not that bad now, but I know that I have to give myself a break, so I'm going to do that. On Christmas Eve, I'm going to eat Trader Joe's Shrimp Corndogs**** and Salted Carmel Butter Cookies that I didn't make and I will be okay. In fact, it's going to be really tasty.

I'm sure that I'll write again before Christmas, but in case I don't...My wish for all of you is to give yourself a break and realize that we probably can't make the perfect holiday. Instead, we can relax with our families and love them the best that we can.

On Christmas Day I will hopefully feel up to stuffing some pork chops with the prosciutto and fontina cheese I bought today. If not, we'll all have toast, and that will be okay too.

*I have hidden the cookies from myself because I want to eat them NOW.

**I am extremely excited about the shrimp corndogs.

***I've been having those a lot lately. Weird.

****Yes, I will tell you what they tasted like.

And then Clay Aiken gave me a facial tick

From my perch at my Triangle, it was easy to watch for the arrival of Clay Aiken today. By my watch (actually my iPhone), he was 6 minutes late. Not cool, Clay Aiken. I was always on time. He also wasn't wearing a tie. I was 100% positive that it was Clay Aiken because of my stalking him on LinkedIn.

I did pretty well at work today. No throwing up. I had plenty to do, so I stayed busy and tried not to think about it. No one mentioned Clay Aiken's interview to me today. I wonder if Mr. X figured that I put two and two together, given how many times a day I need to look at his calendar. Once Clay Aiken actually entered the building, I did get really nervous, like anxiety attack nervous. I have an eye tick that only shows up under extreme stress, so it showed up this afternoon, which was really cool. Everyone likes a girl with an eye tick. I really hope that this is over soon.

In other news, Vaclav Havel (former president of the Czech Republic, Cold War Activist, playwright, humanitarian, all around good person, and someone that was always on my list of people I wanted to have over to my house for dinner) died on Sunday. If you remember learning about Charter 77, the Prague Spring in 1968, or the Velvet Revolution, this is the man who was their architect. I've read several obituaries today and was going to link to one, but I can't pick. Just Google him and you'll find lots to read, including his early plays. The House at Checkpoint Charlie in Berlin, which is now a museum of both the Berlin Wall and social activism throughout the world, has the typewriter that he used to write many of his early plays and also Charter 77--you can actually sit down at type something with it.* When I lived in Berlin I wrote lots of people letters on his typewriter. (I was kind of a hog in the museum.) When I was visiting Prague it was Wenceslas Day**, so I got to see him (from very, very far away) giving a public address. I didn't understand a word of it, but it was like seeing a rock star to me.

While I was Googling him, I found that he wrote a lot about hope. I guess looking back at his life, he had to hope for something better, and then once he succeeded he got to witness all that hope having come to fruition. I like to think that we would have been friends, if we had ever met. I don't usually get sad when people I don't know die, but I feel like his passing should be mourned. The world lost a great citizen.

So, to end today, I am going to try and relax enough so my face stops ticking, and think about hope...

"Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Either we have hope or we don't; it is a dimension of the soul, and it's not essentially dependent on some particular observation of the world or estimate of the situation. Hope is not prognostication. It is an orientation of the spirit, and orientation of the heart; it transcends the world that is immediately experienced, and is anchored somewhere beyond its horizons ...Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed. The more propitious the situation in which we demonstrate hope, the deeper the hope is. Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."

-Vaclav Havel
1936-2011

*Because people in Europe have respect for stuff and don't trash it. If you go to Anne Frank's house in Amsterdam you can also sit down in her chair at her desk and look out the window. There's no plexiglass or velvet ropes.

**Wenceslas is actually "Vaclav" in Czech--isn't that cool

And then Clay Aiken made me throw up

My body is not handling stress very well. I woke up really early this morning (about 3:00 am) I think with a migraine and it felt like my head was going to cleave in two.* This migraine lasted most of the day and came with lots of throwing up. I don't have the flu, it was just the headache.

The Husband took Sweet Pea and the Girl Scouts to go caroling at a nursing home today and I decided to be helpful and go grocery shopping while they were gone. Do not drive with a migraine. I got so sick on the way to the store thinking about food that I thought I was going to throw up in The Husband's car. I turned around and came home and thankfully made it back inside the house** before I threw up.

This is all Clay Aiken's fault. If today was this bad, how bad will tomorrow be?

*I've always liked the word "cleave," so much more fun than split.

**and the bathroom

I hate you Clay Aiken

I hate Clay Aiken.* The Clay Aiken that's trying to take my job, not the real Clay Aiken, although I don't really like him either. In my head I know that what's happening isn't Clay Aiken's fault; he's just a guy looking for what he thinks will be a better job. In my heart it's all his fault. Per his LinkedIn profile** he already has a really good job with a great company. He will never have health insurance as good as what he has right now. (If he gets the job at BCFG he will come to mourn his health insurance loss--I didn't understand how good I had it until a few years after I left the Big P.) I would like to take Clay Aiken by the shoulders and shake him until his teeth rattle. I would tell him "Stay where you are. You're ruining someone's life."

One of the reasons that I hate Clay Aiken so much is that it's easier to hate him than the other people at BCFG. Although right now they are treating me like shit, I feel like in their souls, which are currently extremely misguided, they are good people. I am hoping and counting on their good people-ness to keep me in my job.

It's the season of Advent; the coming of the Christ Child, and this year I have been thinking a lot about the Wise Men and their journey following the star for hundreds or thousands of miles. Although I don't think that I'm worthy of divine intervention, I've been hoping that a star will stop over my head in my Triangle and point the people to me.

* My sister, L2, and I were definitely Ruben Studdard fans. In fact, anytime that Ruban Studdard song "Don't you remember you told me you loved me ba-a-a-by...baby...baby..baby" came on the radio we would call each other and sing in loudly into each other's voice mail. This was extra fun to us because L2 worked for a giant financial organization and all of her ingoing and outgoing calls were recorded. We were so used to it that we didn't really think about it, but I always wondered if anyone ever listened to our singing. (For those of you who don't know me personally, both of my sisters have L first names, so I will be calling them L1 and L2.) Lots of people must share my feelings about Clay, as my picture is from the "I hate Clay Aiken" Facebook Group.

**LinkedIn is awesome for spying on people trying to steal your job.

Pesto Burritos, Christmas Parties, and "When were you going to tell me that?"

So, this is the story of my big pitch, the company Christmas Party, and how sometimes you shouldn't go looking for things...

On Monday, after psyching myself up for two days and practicing in front of the mirror and in the car, I went into the office and told Mr. X right away in the morning that I wanted to talk to him. He said sure. I had planned to have my conversation in his office. I had thought about how I would ask to close the door, where I would sit, how I would cross my ankles, and about not picking at my finger nails to show how nervous I was*. The morning passed, and he never asked to talk to me. I started to freak out, thinking that he'd forgotten and that I'd have to repeat the whole process Tuesday morning, or worse, that he'd ask me to go to lunch. Chewing had not factored into any of my preparation. Lunch was too friendly, and I was not feeling like a friend. The clock edged closer to noon, and (oh horror), he asked me to lunch. I was freaking out, but then decided that I would order a salad and eat tiny pieces of lettuce, so I could still talk. I told myself this was going to be okay and that I would still be able to say what I wanted to say.

So, we go to lunch. But, instead of** going to a normal restaurant, we went to an Italian knock off of Chipolte. I love Chipolte and Italian food, but having this conversation with a burrito was not what I had planned. Technically at this restaurant, instead of a tortilla you got a flatbread (it seemed an awful lot like a tortilla to me). I had a vegetarian one and had them put as few things as possible inside (grilled zucchini, rocket***, sun dried tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, and they topped it off with some pesto). Believe me, this was a tiny Italian burrito--Mr. X had his with angel hair pasta inside and double chicken. (Yes, you read that right, he had pasta inside his bread.) In addition to having to chew while having one of the worse conversations of my life, this restaurant didn't have normal tables; instead they had these long high school cafeteria like things. Mr. X decided we should sit next to each other, with our chairs angled towards each other, like we were on some weird kind of date. Awkward.

As I said in my previous post, I told Mr. X to choose me in the best way that I could. I'm actually extremely proud of myself**** for saying all that I had to say. It was one of those moments when you are looking at yourself from the outside and seeing that you are a grown up. I told him that demoting me was a mistake, without any irony--I meant every word that I said and I had the courage to say them. I felt like Lady Macbeth: "But screw your courage to the sticking place, and we'll not fail." (although I was not planning to kill anyone). And then I asked if there was another candidate. I knew the answer before I asked the question, but I wanted to make him say it. There is someone else. Mr. X has known this guy, who we will call Clay Aiken, for a couple of years. This reinforces my feelings that this whole thing has been in the works for awhile and is bigger than me. I still feel that there is discrimination going on, but I don't really know what to do about it. I would like to be a fly on the wall the first time Mr. X asks Clay Aiken to make him a cup of coffee (or when Mr. X realizes he's going to have to start walking the 10 feet to the coffee pot himself). I, personally, can't believe I ever let myself get in the position of getting coffee. Maybe that was my downfall.

Last night was our office Christmas Dinner. It was horrible. I wanted to celebrate with these people about as much as I wanted to have teeth pulled, but The Husband and I put on our happy faces and went to dinner. Because this is the way life works out, we ended up sitting next to The Big Cheese and Mrs. Big Cheese. Mrs. Big Cheese said that she didn't even know that I had started working there. I'm not really sure what that means--I'm trying to think that it means that Mrs. Big Cheese has really bad manners. You should at least pretend to know your husband's employees. The Husband and I had a whole babysitting debacle, since the dinner was on a Wednesday and got pushed back to starting at 7:30, so we skipped the post-dinner bowling. I'm glad that we had an excuse to do that. I don't think I could have kept from cracking under the pressure for too much longer. Apparently bowling got kind of wild--it sounded today like someone took their clothes off. Oh, speaking of clothes, I was very disappointed because K did not wear any sparkles. Instead she wore a plaid shirt. I was actually kind of over dressed (which is always better than being under dressed).

Today I did something that I probably shouldn't have done. I am really paranoid and wondering when the other shoe will drop, so I decided to see if Clay Aiken was scheduled to come in for an interview. I looked at the calendars of Mr. X, The Big Cheese and Will and it was pretty easy to deduce that Clay Aiken will be coming in on Monday, December 19th at 1:00. I will also be in the office on Monday, December 19th at 1:00. I wonder if they will introduce us and give Clay Aiken a tour of my Triangle. I met everyone in the office at my second interview. I hope they have the class not to introduce us, but I'm starting to doubt just about everything. Thanks to Clay Aiken's LinkedIn profile, I now know lots of things about him. I'm more qualified for my job, probably because it's already my job.

Anyway, when you combine all of this with Sweet Pea's Ritalin-induced emotional outbursts and the fact that the Ritalin isn't working at all, I'm at about the breaking point from a stress and mental-health standpoint. I am coping by living in denial and overspending on Christmas presents. (It's a good year to be Sweet Pea.) I want to cry most of the time and I feel like this:


(The picture comes from this great blog post "Adventures in Depression")

Right now I am doing the best I can, which is not very well. Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts and words. I do feel like I did the best that I could for myself and now we just have to wait and see who they think is better--me or Clay Aiken.


*I was nothing, if not thorough.

**Sweet Pea just asked me if gladiators had brains. This has nothing to do with my post, I just wanted to share

***so much more fun to say "rocket" than "arugula"

****in the midst of feeling really sad

Quick Update

I was going to write a long post today about work and Sweet Pea, but I am just too tired. I figured that I should give you a quick update though.

Yesterday I went to lunch with Mr. X and said "choose me" in the most eloquent way that I could. (I decided to do it without Ativan, and there was a pesto filled burrito involved. I'll tell you more about that later.) There is another candidate. It is really hard to be competing with someone for a job that you already have. Anyway, because of this guy's current position, he has to give notice by December 22, or he is contractually obligated to his current job for a really long time, so I think that I'll know something soon. Tomorrow is the BCFG Christmas dinner--I'll be trying really hard to not stab anyone with a steak knife. (I'm sure K will be wearing something with sequins--I'll keep you posted.)

Also, the Ritalin isn't working. Ritalin is a fast acting drug--it does not need to build up to a therapeutic level. If it was going to work we'd have noticed something by now. There's no change. I was at violin with Sweet Pea today, and it was painful to watch, as always. Thankfully her teacher is a very patient man.

Lots of things are frustrating now, so I'm going to bed.

Ritalin Update

We've given Sweet Pea two doses of Ritalin and I am hopeful (kind of). She seems to be doing okay on the medication--no upset stomach, loss of appetite, and no insomnia. Her only side effect so far is that she is extremely emotional; crying at the drop of a hat. This is a known side effect and will hopefully diminish over time. If it doesn't, then Ritalin probably isn't the right drug for her.

I am cautiously hopeful that it is working...we went to the Nutcracker yesterday and she was more still than I have seen her in a long time (or probably ever) and she was also very still at church this morning. Sweet Pea doesn't have the hyperactivity component of ADHD, however she is hyper-focused or hyper-aware of her surroundings. Where you and I may notice if something is new in a room or if we have a tag in our shirt, she notices these things and fixates on them to the point that she can't concentrate on anything else. I describe her as one of the reasons that they invented tagless t-shirts. I have to buy her a particular brand of sock (sold only at Target) because all the other ones are "too tight" and she can't concentrate with them on. She got in trouble a lot in kindergarten for messing with her socks* before I figured out what was actually going on. Tomorrow in school will be a better test and I'm curious to hear what her teacher is going to say.

I've decided to talk to Mr. X about my alternative proposal tomorrow. I would prefer to talk to him only, since it will be less intimidating, but if I have to talk to everyone, then I'm talking to everyone. I've got the wording for almost everything worked out and I keep telling myself that I'm no worse off for trying than I am right now. I will be bringing some Ativan to work to ward off any bad anxiety. I do hate the fact that my body and mind is such that I need drugs to calm everything down, but if it will give me an edge to stay on top of everything tomorrow, I will take it. Incidentally, Mr. X told me that he takes medication for depression when I was telling him about Sweet Pea's ADD drugs. I did not volunteer the fact that I am bi-polar. It feels like one more thing that could be used against me.

Wish me luck tomorrow. Sweet Pea is going to put on a Christmas show now.

*Because her teacher was Satan here on earth

Thank God for Pudding

I just finished giving Sweet Pea her first dose of Ritalin LA (the LA stands for "long acting," so we will hopefully see 8-10 hours of symptom relief from one pill and she won't have to go to the nurse during the school day for a second one.) The Ritalin comes as a capsule that you can open up and sprinkle over food if you can't swallow the pills. We have practiced pill swallowing*, but this morning Sweet Pea was scared to try once she saw the size of the Ritalin. The pills aren't big**, but they are bigger than a Mini M&M. Thankfully, while getting the prescription filled, we also picked up some chocolate pudding, and I gave her the little bead things from inside the pill mixed into two bites of pudding. She took it really well and now I'm afraid to leave her alone because of the potential side effects. I'm also watching like a hawk to see if I see anything different. We are going to see "The Nutcracker" today, so it will be interesting to see if she can sit still more easily. I feel like I'll get a truer test of the medication's effectiveness on Tuesday when she has her violin lesson after school. I see the most symptoms in her during that time.

My job...I don't even know what to say...I'm working on a plan/counter-offer for them right now. I'm also planning various forms of physical violence in my head--many involve a big hammer.*** I plan to inquire about the full time position, which I would consider provided they would meet my conditions. I feel like I don't have a lot to lose with either countering their initial offer or offering to take the full time position with some pretty big conditions. I've already lost 43% of my pay--once you get over the initial shock, something like that tends to make a person brave. I've come up with some good ideas about things that they aren't doing right now than I am going to add to my part-time counter-offer proposal.

Right now though, I am still just really angry. Yesterday was an extremely awkward day at work between me and Mr. X. I know he was waiting for me to say something, but I wasn't ready to talk yet. I'm still working on what I want and I'm not saying a word until I am positive that I can do it emotion-free. Yesterday I felt like there was still a small risk of crying. I just did my work at my desk, like any other day. It's weird, because for what will probably be the very short term, Mr. X is giving me more responsibilities. I know that he just needs to get stuff pushed off of his desk, but I hope at some point that they see how capable I am and realize what they are doing. That's probably wishful thinking, though. I'm starting to believe that none of them can see further than the end of their own nose.

*Our doctor gave us a great way to practice--you use Mini M&Ms. They are small and non-threatening, so your child can get used to the swallowing motions before you have to do a pill. After practicing, you also have Mini M&Ms for a reward.

**Says the girl who can swallow 8 vitamin sized horse pills at one time.

***Hold on there Internet Police--I would never actually hit someone with a hammer. It's just kind of fun to think about sometimes.

That didn't last long...

Remember how I was so excited after my review? It didn't last.

This morning I was called into a "Strategy Meeting" with The Big Cheese, Mr. X and Will. I will not claim that I knew what was coming, however I did get really nervous prior to the meeting, based on how Mr. X was acting.

BCFG has "decided to go another way." After our meeting last week, I thought that I was going to get more job duties and responsibilities. Today I found out that my job duties will be cut, which they are using to justify a $15,000 cut in my salary.

I sat there in the meeting totally shocked as more and more words came out of Mr. X's mouth. All I was thinking was "keep your face neutral--do not let them see what they are doing to you." I think I was successful. At least I didn't openly crumple.

After the meeting I walked back to my desk, ramrod straight, and went back to work.* Mr. X came over to my desk, telling me he understood if I needed to make some phone calls. It would have been a very cold day in hell before I would have made any calls about this in front of him.** I spent the rest of the day telling myself it was not okay to cry. I want to go out with them thinking that they made a terrible mistake.

I have a week to make a decision and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Right now I'd just like to crawl into a hole.*** We can't get by with my making $15,000. It took me six months to find this job and I really don't want to look for another one. I think that I'm going to have to go back to work full time and the idea of that literally makes me sick.

I'm starting to get really angry about all of this. BCFG is doing really well financially. The company's profits have been shared openly at those stupid Monday Morning Meetings that I am forced to attend, and their revenue is up significantly this year. There is no financial reason for them to pay me less--they are justifying it because of the reduction in job duties, which I don't want. I proposed MORE job duties at my review. BCFG is a Boys Club. I've worked in a male-dominated industry my whole career, but this is the first time that I feel that there is discrimination because I'm a woman and a mother.

I'm also mad at myself. I let myself get pigeon-holed as this review creator and I didn't show my full potential. I'm second-guessing everything I've ever done and wondering if I had been more vocal about what I knew if things would be working out different.

BCFG is hiring a full time person to support Mr. X. I don't think that's an option for me anymore. I got the feeling during the "Strategy Meeting" that there is another candidate for that position. Someone is waiting in the wings to take my Triangle.

In addition to all of this, tomorrow is Sweet Pea's doctor's appointment to start the ADD drugs. I explained to her about the medication this afternoon--she did not take it well. I have bribed her with breakfast at Bob Evans**** prior to the doctor's appointment. Although I think it's the right thing to do, I'm having a really hard time with the ADD drugs. I am afraid she will lose too much of herself.

I know that lots of people are out of work right now and that in a lot of ways my life is pretty good, but I can't really see any of that now. I haven't even been employed for a year. This just feels so unfair.

*I did send several text messages, however that's not that far off from a normal day.

**Triangle = no privacy

***When I finish writing this, I will put my pajamas on, lay on the couch and try not to cry in front of my child.

****Prior to having children, I never thought that Bob Evans would become such a viable dining option. I used to make fun of it and call it "Barf Evans," which was an extremely mature name.