Oh god...

This is from "The Last Five Years," which is my new favorite musical.

You have to listen (or skip) until 1:16 before it makes sense.  



It's amazing how much this feels like what I'm doing every day.

"I am a good person.
I'm an attractive person.
I am a talented person...grant me grace." 

Sigh... (with two updates)

While I wait for someone to call me about moving forward with the interview process, I am becoming more anxious.  Also, I can't find any good jobs listed and I think that I have exhausted all of my current contacts.

I did find this on Craigslist today...

Beer Kooler Drive Thru Hiring - Full Time

---

Date: 2012-02-27, 11:21PM EST
Reply to:

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Day Shift Position available:
Management Experience Helpful
Benefits
Starting Pay is $9.00 hr
Please Apply in person at

Sounds like a good opportunity...

UPDATED:  After much more searching, I did find some genuinely good opportunities to apply for today, so I'm feeling much less useless.  Although, none of them sound as cool as working at the Beer Kooler Drive Thru*.

UPDATED AGAIN:  The Department of Jobs and Family Services (who pays my unemployment) sends me occasional emails with links to jobs that they think that I might like to apply for.  Today I got one encouraging me to apply to manage a Build-a-Bear location.   Clearly, I was unable to make them understand what I am actually qualified to do when I filed for unemployment.  This reminds me of my job search last year when I had to go into the Unemployment office for "counseling."** and after several minutes of talking I gave up because I realized that I was never going to make the guy who was supposed to be helping me understand what I do.  (My job is not that hard, although after 10 years of marriage The Husband still doesn't have a clear understanding.  He tells people I do "401(k) Stuff," which is more than the Unemployment guy got.)  Anyway, I found the Unemployment "Helper" guy's card recently, but I decided not to give him a call.

*I think I would be an incredible asset to the Beer Kooler Drive Thru for two reasons
  1.  I don't drink (like at all), so no need to worry about me getting sloshed on the job.
  2.  I am a horrible speller, and clearly the owners are as well.  We'd be able to bond talking about how we were always eliminated in the first round of the classroom spelling bee. 

**I use that word in its loosest sense

Crazy Eyes

You win some, you lose some...

I had two interviews today and both of them kind of sucked. 

The first one was with a guy that I just didn't like.  It started out when he didn't offer to buy me a coffee.  Maybe I am old fashioned or a mooch or something, but to me when you invite someone out for coffee you should actually offer to buy them a coffee.  Then the guy spent far more time talking about himself then he did asking me questions.  In a good interview, you (the interviewee) should be talking 80% of the time.  Finally, the guy is looking to add someone to his team "sometime this year," but doesn't have any immediate needs. 

Interview number two was with a guy who is actually crazy.  Not joking...the guy is crazy.  He is obsessed with the fact that "Big Brother" is watching him and is sure that in the near future we are going to go to a cashless society and pay for all of our goods and services via retina scan.  This way the government will know what brand of peanut butter we buy.  We got started down this road when I asked him about his client relationship management software.  Don't get this guy started on cell phones--they are being used by the government to track our every move and convict us of crimes.  (This is not something that I worry about, since I don't commit crimes.)  All in all, this guy is just crazy and has the crazy eyes to prove it.  Needless to say, if he calls me for a second interview, I will politely turn him down.  I can't imagine why you'd want a guy like that as your financial planner, but I guess the crazies need help with their long-term financial plans as well.

Back to the drawing board...

Brave

Did you know that getting fired makes you really brave?  Let me clarify, after it crushes your spirit like an ugly bug and causes you to have trouble getting out of bed for more days than you care to count, you rise like a phoenix from the ashes of your former self.  You emerge more beautiful and braver than you have ever been.  You start to realize that you have nothing to lose. You feel like this.*

Or maybe you feel like this.

 If you are really lucky, someone will say this to you. 

If you're like most people, you will have to say it to yourself, but that's okay too.  The point is that you are brave and (at least for now) you feel okay.  And right now, that's enough. 

*This picture comes from here

Down the Rabbit Hole

My sister, L2, is getting ready to go to Haiti with her husband for the first of two trips, which will culminate with the adoption of their fourth child.  In true L2 style (which is why I really love her), she decided to try and collect 100 homemade rag dolls to take with her.  The dolls are needed in less than two weeks.*  I'm hoping to get 10 dolls done and so far I've recruited people to make about 15-20 more dolls.  Wednesday, which was the day that L2 and I started sewing, 100 dolls seemed impossible.  Today, it looks like we're going to make it.  This is one of the reasons while I love the Internet.**

Sewing actually makes me kind of nervous, though.  The last time that I did a lot of sewing was when I was well and truly crazy.  I was off work on disability because I was so crazy, and I took everything to the extreme.  Because I wasn't working and we hadn't planned for me to take 12 weeks off, I was trying to do things as frugally as possible.  Frugality is a good thing, but not the way that I was doing it.  (True mania is nothing like you see on TV and is one of the most frightening things ever.  I was scared enough living in my own body--I can't imagine what it looked like from the outside.)  I was basically bat-shit crazy and I was making all of our soap.  (Yes, you read that right--I was making our shampoo, body soap, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc.  My mother was terrified that I was going to burn myself with all the lye I was using--either on purpose or by accident because I really wasn't thinking straight.)  I decided to stop using the dryer and hung all of our clothes on clotheslines.  Drying outside is good, however the crusty socks and underwear that you end up with isn't good.  I also made lotion (which needed to be refrigerated because it didn't have any preservatives in it) and baked all of our bread, from a recipe that I invented.  I was kind of like Donna Reed on speed.***  It's been almost four years since I've really sewn anything.  I am working own on not obsessing...I have an obsessive personality and it is very easy for me to get swept away while doing something.  I don't want to feel like that again. 

On the job hunting front...I talked to a guy today that owns a company and they are looking to expand into my city.  After talking to him, this is the first job that I am really excited about.  It is perfect for someone with my background and experience level.  It would be challenging, there would be some creative elements to it, and I would be valued.  I have and interview with him on Wednesday, so keep your fingers crossed.  This is the first interview that I've had for a job that I really want.

Finally, some things on the Internet that I didn't come up with (but think are cool).

You Didn't Thank Me For Punching You In The Face  Although I am not in love with the language that this article uses, the message is a great one for parents.  As girls, we were all told that boys teased us, pulled our hair, etc. because they liked us.  This article explains why we shouldn't say things like that.  Since we had bullying hit very close to home recently, I am extremely grateful that no one at Sweet Pea's school justified the little boy's behavior with that whole "he's doing it because he likes you" line.


Juanita Weasel  If you aren't a reader of The Bloggess, you are missing out on the awesomeness that is Juanita Weasel.  It can't be explained--it must be experienced. 

*They didn't get a lot of notice for their trip.  On this trip they have a court date and need to file about two tons of paperwork with the Haitian courts.  They will get to meet their little boy, who is 4, and then they'll go back to Haiti again after the court finalizes their adoption.  We have our fingers crossed that everything will be complete by the end of the summer/early fall.  Haiti is actually a pretty fast adoption country.  (L2's other children are from China and Ethiopia.)

**Thanks Al Gore.  (Both the real Al Gore and the Al Gore that I used to work with.)

***I like that, it rhymes. 

One Door Closes

I turned down a job this morning.  Technically, I guess I didn't turn it down, I just said that I didn't want to go further in the interview process.  It's too bad, because I think that I really would have enjoyed the job and the people, but they couldn't afford me.  I'm getting more from unemployment then they were willing to pay.  I don't like "living off the system," but I really like buying groceries. Although I know I did the right thing, turning anything down right now feels so wrong.

I made myself a Valentine...

I just checked my email, and I've had some interest in the resumes that I sent out yesterday.  I also found two more positions with a large company to apply for.  (I'm hoping that a friend can find me an actual contact for those jobs because I didn't get to write a cover letter and I can rock a cover letter.)

I hope that all of you have a happy Valentine's Day.  There's not a lot of Valentine's spirit at our house right now, although I do enjoy getting to eat candy for breakfast.  Sweet Pea and The Husband have Girl Scouts tonight, so I have decided to make myself risotto while they are gone and then I am going to eat the whole pan.  Yes--it's going to be a wild night.  Anyway--lots of love from me to you and yours.

(You should all be happy that I decided to write today and not last night.  Last night you would have gotten a long post about how I was at church choir and couldn't hear the #F that I was supposed to hit to change the chord from major to minor.  I switch between singing a soprano 2 and an alto 1 depending on the piece and on this piece I was the only one responsible for this one note, which I just couldn't hear.  I was holding my music like it was a life raft.  I'll stop now, since that's probably more than you wanted to know...The post was going to be called "The #F Not Heard Around the World"--aren't you glad you were spared?)

UPDATE:  I figured out how to add text to pictures.  Now I'm thinking that I may have to start a Tumblr feed or blog or meme or whatever the kids are calling it these days.  Who thinks I should be putting all this energy into actually looking for a job?  Wait...maybe don't answer that.  

 UPDATED AGAIN:  (I'm really into the updates lately)  So, I started a Tumblr thing:   http://unemployedryangosling.tumblr.com/  I need to put more pictures up before it goes "public," but it's out there.  Feel free to share the link with your unemployed (or employed) friends, but remember--I had nothing to do with it.  (I'm thinking that this probably wouldn't be a good thing for prospective employers to get wind of, although it does show my creativity.) 

Hey Girl

I've been inspired by all the Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" posts on Tumblr* lately and I've been thinking that I should start one for unemployed people (I just Googled and I don't think there is one).  However, Ryan Gosling has really never done anything for me, so for my (rather pathetic, using MS Paint) attempt I picked Eric Whitacre--a composer, conductor, and person that I'm obsessed with.

In other news, Sweet Pea has started her own blog (after watching me write this one).  Right now she has postings up about narwhals, unicorns (which are real, by the way) and Marcel the Shell.  Message me if you're interested in reading it--it's invitation only.  

Speaking of Sweet Pea, we met with her doctor yesterday and are now trying Concerta.  It kind of felt like the doctor closed her eyes and pointed when it came to picking a new stimulant to try.  The doctor has no idea which drug will avoid the emotional side effects, since all the stimulants have those as a side effect.  We just have to guess.  After one day, I'm concerned because Sweet Pea was complaining that her heart was racing (another side effect, since I'm basically giving her Speed every morning).  Now I'm worried that she's going to have a heart attack while she's sleeping.**

*One of my friends shared this one, which I think is my favorite

**Just to be clear, I'm actually worried about that...it's so not funny that it almost feels funny.

UPDATE:   To prove that I am cool (at least in my own head), Eric Whitacre just won a Grammy. 

UPDATED AGAIN:  I have a new favorite Ryan Gosling one--I heart NPR, because I do heart NPR.  This one may only be funny if you listen to as much NPR as I do. 

We settle (un)comfortably into a cuckoo’s nest.

I stole today's title from Dani Burlison, who wrote this wonderful (and sometimes sad) piece about depression and getting better.

Today The Husband and I had a meeting with Sweet Pea's teacher about her medication. She is having such a hard time at school because the medication makes her so emotional. She cries for reasons that she can't understand and has now finally told us that one of the kids in her class is bullying her. Like saying mean things bullying, but also hitting and kicking. She has been afraid to say anything to anyone because she doesn't want to get in trouble for tattling. Thankfully, we had a good meeting with her teacher and found out that Sweet Pea is not the only one have trouble with this boy (his parents are coming in for a conference next week). I am planning to kick this kid's ass the next time that I see him and probably his father's too, since the kid has a smart mouth, exactly like the father's. (They are the only family in Sweet Pea's class that I don't like.) Sweet Pea's teacher talked to her after our meeting and explained that she needs to tell when someone calls her names or hurts her, like this kid is doing. She even gave Sweet Pea a code, so that Sweet Pea can tell her that she wants to talk privately without the whole class knowing.

I did find out today that another child has been sticking up for Sweet Pea, so I sent his mom an email. This little boy has had his share of problems at school, although he's not a bad kid--just kind of misunderstood. Although I don't know for sure, I think that he may be going through something similar to Sweet Pea, so he has a lot of empathy. It is nice to know that someone is sticking up for her.

This brings me back to drugs...I have no idea what to do. The Vyvanse has made a huge difference academically for Sweet Pea. If you could see her pre and post Vyvanse handwriting, you wouldn't know that it's the same kid. She's able to focus so much better at school. However, she is riding these uncontrollable emotional highs and lows. At home she can be a terror--throwing herself down and kicking and screaming (which she never did before; not even as a toddler). I have been worried several times that The Husband is going to dislocate her shoulder because we have to manhandle her into the car some mornings to get her to school. (I wonder now how much of that is because of the bullying.) The Vyvanse has changed her and I want my daughter back. In addition to all the emotional stuff, she's developed uncontrolled muscle movements (not quite tics, but these weird herky-jerky movements that she's never had before) and she does a lot of weird vocalizations (also brand new). Both of these things are listed as side effects of the drug. By my scale, she's also lost 2 lbs in about 5 weeks, which is a lot to lose when you only weighed 60 lbs to start with. If I had my way, we would throw the drugs away and say "school be damned." Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. I am really hoping that we get some good answers at the doctor tomorrow. If the doctor could tell me that we just have to put up with this for X months until her body gets used to the medication, I could deal with that, but I don't think I can keep treating her when it feels like the "cure" is worse than the disease.

Do you think she looks depressed?

I think she looks depressed. Maybe she misses her beagle mommy, or lately I've been wondering if she has Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Who thinks I'm projecting my symptoms onto my dog?

Does Ultimate Frisbee make you a dork?

Thanks to the invention of LinkedIn, it's surprisingly easy to stalk the people. Especially if they have chosen to make their profile public. This is how I found out everything about Clay Aiken and now the Ultimate Frisbee playing TPA* that I'm having lunch with on Thursday.

Thursday is going to be a big day for me. I have a second (or first) interview with the people that I had the phone interview with today. That went really well--I was much more relaxed than I was for the previous phone interview. This afternoon I also got a call from a stranger who received my resume from another stranger. (I've been using The Book of Lists and sending blind resumes to all the financial advisors that are listed. I sent a resume to this guy named Adam, who didn't get back to me, but did forward my resume to the stranger that I'm going to have lunch with. So, thanks Adam, whoever you are.)

It's weird how it's totally acceptable to have lunch with a stranger for "networking purposes," but you wouldn't do it under any other circumstances. I Googled the guy that I'm going to meet with and he has Ultimate Frisbee (technically "Ultimate Disc") on his LinkedIn profile three times. Does Ultimate Frisbee make you a dork? I probably shouldn't judge since I don't play any sports and should definitely get more exercise. However, I'm remembering the guys that played Frisbee as a team sport in college. I actually have some good memories of Frisbee from the summer I spent at Northwestern University before my senior year of high school.** I can't imagine listing it with my professional interests, but maybe I'm the dork because I don't know how cool Frisbee actually is.

So, good things are happening on the job hunting front. It's always nice when a stranger calls you after reading your resume (even if they really do like Frisbee).

To totally change the subject, The Husband doesn't believe me when I tell him that the little dog is depressed. She looks sad all day--I will take her picture to prove it. I think she misses her beagle mommy and we should get another dog to take care of her.

*That stands for third party administrator for those of you who don't work in my world.

**I spent two months at Northwestern for debate camp because I was an uber-nerd. (Proving my nerdy-ness, I just called myself a nerd in German.)

Interview with a Vampire

This post has nothing to do with vampires. It's just about interviewing and I couldn't think of a clever title. Anne Rice will be suing me for copyright infringement soon.

Hopefully you enjoyed the post where I was high on prescription drugs (that have all been prescribed to me and that I am allowed to take in the quantity that I took them in). I didn't correct any of the errors that I found the next day, just for you. I also can't quite believe that I felt the need to write about breast feeding, but again, I decided to leave it.

I had my first phone interview today. This one was for a retirement plan education specialist position, which is a job that I'm not really sure that I want. There would be a lot of travel (80% some weeks) and I'm just not sure. I also decided today that I really don't like phone interviews. I need feedback so I know if I've fully answered a question or if I need to go on. I felt today like I should have elaborated more on a couple of things. I also still feel like I have a really bad answer when they ask me about losing my job at BCFG. I have another phone interview tomorrow for another position that I'm not too keen about, but I'm not in the position to turn anything down right now. After that interview I will have exhausted all my interviews and need to send out another zillion resumes to generate more activity. I'm starting to feel like I'm not going to find the right thing.

I feel like I should write something about vampires now. If I was feeling more creative I would come up with something fun. I will have to think about that for next time.

Weeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm on drugs right now (all legal) so I'm pretty loopy. For some reason, I am allergic to my house, so my whole head, including my eyes and nose, is itchy, so I took some Benedryl. Then, because it's night time I told my usual drugs, which kind of make me loopy. I also threw in some Advil because I have a headache...

Perhaps this is not the best time to blog. I will however, tell you my most embarrassing work story, which I was moderately prepared to tell at my interview today. I read through a lot of interview questions and "what was your most embarrassing moment" is a pretty common one, so I felt like I needed to be prepared. I didn't have to look too long to find my most embarrassing work moment...

I started back to work when Sweet Pea was 12 weeks old and because I was nursing, I needed to pump 4-5 times per day. Thankfully I had an office with a door, but unfortunately my door didn't lock. I made a sign for my door that said something to the extent of "please don't come in." My office was 95% women and they all know that I was nursing and pumping. I don't think that anyone thought to tell the lone man, who was my manager. He came to my door one day and knocked. I was so freaked out that someone was knocking while I was pumping that I didn't say "don't come in." I thought that my assistant, who sat right outside my door, would take care of that. Anyway, my manager knocked twice and then just opened the door. He looked appalled and SO embarrass and couldn't get out quickly enough. Strangely enough, I was not that embarrassed. Breast pumps actually give you a lot of coverage and I had been pumping while traveling for months by that point. My breast pump hooked into my bra, for hands free pumping, so I frequently had to pump while driving 1-2 hours on the way to see a client. I lived in fear of getting pulled over by a cop while pumping. Someday I will tell Sweet Pea what I did for her.

My second most embarrassing work moment involves a total wipe out on wet pavement while wearing new shoes. I thought that I was going to have to go to the hospital after that one. Thankfully, I had extra panty hose in my purse. That's a story for another day.

To get to the point--because there is one. My interview today went well. The job isn't perfect, but I'm not sure if such a thing exists. I like her and she seems like she would be a good person to work for. I need to send her a sample of my writing and I can write about anything. I'm torn between doing something "safe" and writing about finance/money/saving early is important or doing something completely crazy and writing about the Fourth Movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, which is my favorite piece of music. My writing about the symphony would probably be better, but it is risky. I will sleep on it.

Now I feel too high to continue.

Seen and Heard

I've been looking on the Craigslist job boards every day and I've been surprised by how normal everything is. Occasionally I will cringe because someone has written a post for a "Rockstar Receptionist" or someone was looking for an "athletic" personal assistant. I did turn down one interview because my gut said that it didn't seem right, but I haven't found anything truly bizarre until today--one of the best things about this was that it was listed under "Office/Admin" jobs:

We are looking for ladies 18 or older with cute, bright, young sounding voices, enthusiastic demeanor, great conversational skills, and upbeat attitude to make sure our clients have a great time every time they chat.

We are an uncensored chat line so you should be comfortable with any type of content within the context of fantasy. Our company is more than a 10 years old, with a good compensation and benefits package. This is a great job for both a part timer looking for extra money or for someone looking to make a great living perfect the craft of chatting.

We provide excellent training and will help you to achieve your goals. Day, Night and weekend availabilities with flexibility is a big plus!

If this sounds like a good fit for you please call 800-XXX-XXXX we will get back to you ASAP.

• Location: XXXX

• Compensation: Good commission with base and benefits

• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

• Please, no phone calls about this job!

• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

I love that phone sex people are getting benefits--everyone should have health insurance and a 401(k) plan. I am also really curious about the training and goal setting. I'm imagining all those goal setting work sheets that I've had to fill out throughout my career. I'm wondering if there is any continuing education needed. After I read this I felt like I needed to take a shower--I totally had the creeps. I also thought about how disgusting men are. But then part of me wanted to call, because I am curious if I have a cute, bright, young sounding voice. When I had my final interview at BCFG, Al Gore said that I had a nice phone voice. (That sounded less dirty before I read this Craigslist post.)

I have my interview tomorrow for a job that I think that I really want. I also have a phone interview coming up on Tuesday for a position that I'm less interested in (don't worry--I didn't answer this ad), but I think that it's good to be getting interviews. I haven't heard anything from the guy I interviewed with last Friday which has cemented my opinion that he is just rude and a jerk. After my interview, I sent him a pretty lengthy email, including a sample of my work (which he requested) and he didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge receipt. I guess I should be glad that I know he's a jerk before I start working for him.

In other news, things are not going well with Sweet Pea. We've had a lot of bad times at home and today we got a long email from her teacher that things are also not going well at school. I really thought that we were on the right track with the Vyvanse, but now I feel like we're back to square one. I've called her doctor and am waiting to hear back--I'm very reluctant to switch to another drug without the doctor seeing us again. I have a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe Sweet Pea was just really tired. This morning she got in big trouble and her punishment was having to go to bed right after dinner. She was asleep by 7:00, which is over two hours earlier than usual, and that will allow her to get 12 hours of sleep before school tomorrow. I'm hoping for a brighter day.