When God Closes a Door, He Opens a Triangle*

Yesterday, after two previous cancellations, I had my first review at BCFG. I haven't had a review in five years (The Man didn't believe in them), so I was slightly nervous. I think that I am awesome at my job, but you never really know what others are thinking about you. My review was with both The Big Cheese and Mr. X. To quickly sum up my review, and get to the good stuff, I am averagely-awesome . Their only criticism of me is that I don't share more of my knowledge. Mr. X said during the Monday Morning Meetings he can frequently see the wheels turning in my head and gets frustrated that I don't say anything. I agreed to share more. I'm quiet because I'm not quite comfortable there yet and because I've seen these people go 10 rounds over what to put in a Christmas card and frequently I don't want to get involved in that. This made a very nice transition and allowed me to talk about how I'm not challenged. With the previous cancellations, I've had about two weeks to figure out both what I want to say and how I want to say it. It took 12 years in the workforce, but I think that I'm finally old (or maybe mature) enough that everything came out right.**

After my review came the true awesome-ness... In the past several years, Mr. X's responsibilities have expanded to the point that he's basically at the breaking point. Originally, I was hired to take a lot of stuff off of his plate, but somehow I morphed into the Review Guru***. I'm clearly unhappy with this role and was able to articulate it in a positive way. Two things are going to happen--they are planning to hire a full time person to truly take some stuff over from Mr. X and to prevent him from having a heart attack. I was offered this position, which was flattering, but I don't want a full time job, and that was okay with everyone. The second thing (which is more exciting to me, because it's about ME) is that I will soon get a real job that uses my skills and isn't something that I could train a high school intern to do. I'm going to start controlling the client meeting calendar for Mr. X, Mole and the Godfather (so they can no longer pile their shit on me all at the same time). I will still do the reviews, but then I will also handle all post-meeting follow up and client communication, which will take advantage of my skills and allow me to use my brain on a regular basis. During my review I said "I feel like I'm getting stupider" several times. (I realize that "more stupid" is grammatically correct, but I felt like "stupider" got my point across better.)

After that was settled, we discussed even more awesome-ness.........I'M GOING TO GET TO WORK FROM HOME AGAIN! This is literally due to my Triangle. I work in a triangle because our office is full to capacity and the corner of the hallway was the only place to put me. They have 7 more years on their lease in the building, so moving to a new office isn't practical. Since they are going hire someone full time to support Mr. X, that person will inherit my Triangle and because there is no place to put me, I get to go back home. And............it looks like I'm going to GET TO GO BACK TO MY THREE DAY A WEEK SCHEDULE. When we were talking about all of this, I brought up the fact that I think that I get more done in full work days, as opposed to the short days, so we talked about my going back to my old schedule, with a full compliment of connective devices, so I can check in with the office on a regular basis. I don't care about that--I'll get to be home again. This will mean that I don't have to worry about what to do with Sweet Pea when she is sick or there is a snow day and I'll get to help out at school with lunch again. I never thought that I'd miss lunch so much.

Of course, none of this is set in stone, but it seems pretty likely. It's not going to happen overnight, but I think it will happen. My new job responsibilities are starting already and should be fully implemented by the time that 4th quarter numbers are released in the middle of January. I'm thinking that I may be able to go to the three day a week schedule sooner rather than later. I probably won't start working from home***** until they hire someone to take my Triangle, so I see a light at the end of my tunnel.

I truly felt like crap when I lost my job last October and even though it's been over a year, I was still feeling crappy**** about it. I was lucky to find my job at BCFG in this economy, and especially since so many good people in my field are without work. I should have been happy to be in my Triangle, but I wasn't. Yesterday I started to feel hope again. I used to really like work. Now I think that I could again. I haven't felt like the kind of person that good things happen to lately, but (although it took awhile), I think that this was a case of God closing a door and opening a Triangle.


*I was going to write this yesterday, because it is very exciting for me, but I had to finish my stupid continuing education and take my Anti-Money Laundering course, which was due December 1--I got done 2 whole days early! Although, after completing the course, I feel like I know more about how to integrate dirty money back into the economy than I know about how to recognize and stop money laundering. Damn Patriot Act...

**Rehearsing several things in my car for two weeks didn't hurt either. I'm a big believer in saying things out loud. I used to practice before difficult client meetings. I also just enjoy listening to myself talk.

***The Big Cheese's term, I think I prefer Review Bitch, although I wouldn't use that at the office.

****I know I should work to come up with better adjectives than "crappy."

*****Want to know one of the things that I'm most excited about? It's not having an intimate knowledge of the bathroom habits of all the men in my office. My triangle is much too close to the bathroom and these guys are just gross. Really really gross.

I could really use a drink

We went out for Mexican (at an order by number because no one speaks English and it's really tasty) restaurant tonight, partly to celebrate my being done with work crap and partly because I'm exhausted and refused to cook. And we have no food... Anyway, everyone around me was getting margaritas and I was so close to saying "liver be damned--I need a drink." Actually, I would kind of like to drink myself into oblivion and wake up after Thanksgiving. That is a bad idea and I won't be doing that.

I would also like to sleep all weekend, waking up only to get a haircut and to go shopping for a better fitting pair of jeans. That might happen...

Today was the meeting with the psychologist at Sweet Pea's school. Right now the only positive thing that I can think about the meeting was that I didn't cry while it was going on. Later I will realize that they said a lot of really good things about my daughter. Right now, I'm not really hearing those. The Husband forgot the meting, despite it being on his calendar, my reminding him last night and this morning and Sweet Pea's teacher reminding him this morning. It was both better and worse because he wasn't there, but that may be a story for another day.

For some good news... Abby scored right in the middle of average on the IQ/cognitive testing. The dyslexia testing was inconclusive. She shows a lot of the symptoms of dyslexia, but right now her reading is too good. Apparently, letter reversal is still normal up to the third grade. They are going to repeat the testing either at the end of this year or the beginning of third grade.

Now for the stuff that I'm handling less well... The psychologist and Sweet Pea's teacher think that the ADD is significant enough that it warrants medication. I know that the ADD drugs are a lot better than they used to be and that they help tons of kids, but the idea of medication is really hard to process. I want her to be perfect with no need for medication.

In addition to the IQ, dyslexia, and ADD testing, they also did some "testing" (if that's the right word) of Sweet Pea's general mood and behavior. At school she is socially awkward*, gets picked last in gym and other activities when the pick partners. She is a loner and the other girls seem to have little patience with her because she is in her own world. She also seems sad, depressed and extremely anxious a lot of the time. Again, the words "I'm bi-polar" were on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't get them out. It doesn't seem quite as bad at home, and I would disagree with a lot of this stuff if I didn't really trust her teacher and if I hadn't seen how upset she is when she talks about the girls not playing with her at recess sometimes. She has a lot of really negative self-talk where she tells herself that she's stupid or ugly. I had no idea that started at seven.

The fact that she's having such a hard time strengthens the need for medication for me. My hope is that if we can fix the ADD then all the other stuff will fix itself. That's all I can hope for right now.

I could write a lot more, but I'm just warn out...

One more thing that also made today suck...since The Husband didn't come to the meeting I had to tell him about it. When I told him about the psychologist and her teacher's concerns about her mood and behavior, his first words were "do they think that she's bi-polar?" Way to rub some salt in my wounds Husband.

I'm sure I'll write more about this, but Sweet Pea wants me to watch "Wizards of Waverly Place" with her. I want to go to sleep and to have this have never happened.

*Yes, they used that word--no need to spare the mother's feelings or anything

My Little Pony--UPDATED with EVEN MORE Ponies

This post really is about My Little Pony, which we watch pretty regularly at our house.

Eric Whitacre is my favorite living composer and one of the coolest things about him is that he enjoys when people do things with his work. He has joined the list of people that I'd like to have to my house for dinner. Anyway, this is a Pony Music Video* to his song "What If" from his "musical"** "Paradise Lost: Shadows and Wings."*** Anyway, I thought that is was amazingly cool, and fits surprisingly well with My Little Pony, so I thought that I would share. It may not be your cup of tea, but I like it.



Here comes the updated part....

This morning while I was taking a shower, I was thinking that I had seen some more My Little Pony art somewhere. Take a look.

This morning I was also trying to psych myself up for what was arguably the most difficult day at work that I've had in a while. So, naturally, I listened to the above song while watching the "My Little Pony" video. (Some how the ponies enhance rather than detract for me.) I think that most of us use "psych up songs" in some way or another, however I think that I may be the only one who uses this song with My Little Pony images. I kept hearing the line "I yearn to soar, so there has to be much more. Yes, there must be another way." I think that it's a sign of how much strain a person is under when they start crying at song lyrics and visions of ponies getting wings to "soar." I feel firmly tethered to my triangle. I do have my review on Monday (unless it get canceled again). Maybe I should play this video on my phone to try and explain what I want.

I did get all my work done. I feel both manic and exhausted. I would feel good were it not for the meeting at school tomorrow morning to get the results of the testing that they did on Sweet Pea. That still feels like a sword hanging over my head. This time tomorrow I'm hoping to feel really good.


Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm a bigger drama queen for using My Little Pony music videos to psych myself up, or comparing myself to Marianne Dashwood, as I did in this post. I'm thinking that the ponies win out.

Sweet Pea has asked that I listen to a different song and also for me to find the "real" ponies video to load on her iPod (that she inherited from me when I got my iPhone) for the drive to New Jersey next week.

*Pony Music Videos (or PMVs) are quite the thing, apparently. There are tons of them on YouTube. I'm watching one of "Defying Gravity" right now.

**Not the right word, but "opera" isn't the right word either. Operetta also isn't right. That reminds me too much of Gilbert & Sullivan, which this definitely is not.

**Which is about the children of angels after their parents have taken their wings and built a fortress to protect them. The main character sings this song, dreaming of getting her wings back.

Worm Nurses

I never thought that I would be grateful for worms, but today I am. Sweet Pea has been having a hard time at school where none of the other girls would play with her, but today that changed because someone invented the game "Worm Nurses." "Worm Nurses" involves triaging worms and basing their care on their condition--the worm nurse cares for each worm based on its health. Healthy worms are placed in the grass. Baby worms are placed on a leaf, and then covered with another leaf, like a blanket. Finally, the injured worms are placed in a puddle for extensive rehabilitation. Sweet Pea is immensely popular when it comes to playing "Worm Nurses," because, according to her, she is one of the only girls who will touch the worms. It seems that all the girls like to play "Worm Nurses," but most prefer a "hospital management" roll where they don't have to come in direct contact with the patients. Thankfully, it is supposed to rain and stay damp all week, so there should be ample worms to play with.

I have asked who the brain child behind "Worm Nurses" is, but haven't gotten an answer. I would like to shake her hand, but only after she washes them.

And then I broke my favorite bowls

This week sucks. This is the culmination of all the reviews--I have more to get out than I choose to count. I was in the office for over six hours this weekend and finished 4 reviews, however when I got to work this morning it didn't seem to have made a dent. For better or for worse, this will all be over on Friday. All the reviews are due on the 18th, so come hell or high water they will be out the door. I foresee at least one night at the office this week. This better all come back with a really positive stinking personal review.*

This week feels kind of like finals, however unlike finals there will be no real sense of accomplishment when it is over. Also, unlike finals, when it's done I don't get a nice long vacation. We are going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, which is not relaxing for me. The Husband and I have been married for 10 years and I still really don't like it there.

Thanks to everyone for all of your kind words--they mean the world. I have decided that my depression is environmental, not chemical. I think that once this week is over (or possibly when I get through Thanksgiving) I will feel better. Knowing that I can pull myself out of this didn't stop me from laying on the couch and crying last night (while watching "The Next Iron Chef"), but I feel like I lack the total abject despair that comes with the chemical depression that comes on for no reason. I'm enjoying a full compliment of psychiatric drugs right now and I understand that I may need to add an antidepressant to get through the winter. I'm also using my light box daily to mimick the sun. One of the nice things about my triangle is that I have one whole wall of windows, so I get a lot of natural light during the day.

I am trying to keep positive this week, or at least light-hearted. When The Husband brings home semi-rotten bananas from the store, you don't pout about it**; you make banana bread. Unfortunately, in the making of the banana bread I broke my two favorite bowls. (Only I could manage to break 3 bowls at ones--two were my favorites, one was just utilitarian.)

One foot in front of the other. Now I have to keep working on dinner. Sweet Pea has requested that I not burn the chicken.

*My review got canceled at the last minute--did I tell you that already?

**or you don't pout that much

The Thing that I Fear the Most

I haven't been feeling very well lately. I feel thin*, brittle, stretched to the breaking point. Every morning it's such a effort to get up, get ready, fix Sweet Pea's hair, supervise the putting on of socks, go to work, come home, figure out something to make for dinner, practice violin, put Sweet Pea to bed and then go to bed to start the whole damn cycle again the next day.

Did anyone but me read the fabulous children's novel "From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L Konigsburg**? I read it many times and then we discovered that our library had a recording of the book on records. My mom transferred the records to tapes for me to listen to in the car, which is why I remember parts of the book so well. There is a line in the beginning that resonates with me right now: "She was bored with the sameness of each and every day, and with the monotony of everything."

Work has a lot to do with my unhappiness right now. I am just stuck on this never ending*** wheel of reviews. I feel like if work was better everything would be better. I found out today, quite by accident, that I have my annual review with The Big Cheese tomorrow afternoon. I have no idea what I'm going to say--I'm hoping something will come to me while I'm sleeping because there are several things that I need to say.

I can't tell yet if my feelings of sadness and listlessness are the start of another cycle of depression or just a manifestation of a crappy job. I'm going to have to wait it out. It is the right time of year for a depression cycle to be starting again. My first major bout of depression started just after Thanksgiving and the holidays have been hard for me since then--stress and unfulfilled expectations along with less light and dealing with relatives... My doctor is a big believer that light and circadian rhythms play a big part in depression and bipolar disorder and it does seem to be true in my case. I hate waiting and seeing. Patience is not one of my virtues.

Today, though, the thing that I fear the most happened. Today was Sweet Pea's conference at school. The school has performed some pretty rigorous academic and behavioral testing and we'll get the results of that on the 18th, after the psychologist observes Sweet Pea in the classroom one more time. Because that meeting is coming up, the conference did not focus on academics, instead Sweet Pea's teacher discussed Sweet Pea's mood, social interaction, and disposition. The teacher showed us several of Sweet Pea's journal entries where she had written about being sad and lonely and the teacher commented on how Sweet Pea seems like a loner at school and sometimes seems depressed. When you have a mental illness, "depressed" is the last word that you want to come out of a teacher's mouth, especially in conjunction with your second grader.

A lot of this could be related to academics. We're 99.9% sure that Sweet Pea is dyslexic and she's already been diagnosed with mild ADD by both my psychiatrist and her pediatrician. I'm sure that it's reasonable to think that if Sweet Pea is feeling bad about her school work that she could be lonely and sad at school. I am trying**** to believe that if we fix the academic problems that the other problems will go away too.

But what if they don't?

Although there is no definitive genetic research, there is a lot of empirical evidence that bi-polar disorder is genetic. My family tree is a great (or horrible) example of this. I have worried about passing this disease on to Sweet Pea from the moment I was diagnosed. My diagnosis was the final nail in the coffin on my decision to not have any more children--I couldn't risk anyone else having this.

Today I almost told Sweet Pea's teacher about my diagnosis, but I choked (almost literally) on the words "I have bi-polar disorder. I am terrified that she is depressed." Although I love Sweet Pea's teacher this year, and actually feel closer to her than any of the other teachers that we've had, I worry about gossip and I worry about this stigma of mental illness. I am very free with my crazy here, because I have to hide it in the rest of my life. The Husband won't talk about it, which is the main thing that is putting an incredible strain on our marriage. (That, and his horribly dishonest, life is happy rainbows, Facebook posts--but that's a subject for another day. It's amazing how much his Facebook posts can irritate me.) No one at school knows, and while I really think Sweet Pea's teacher would keep my confidence, I can't trust her. Not when I feel so guilty.

I hate being sick and I am so worried that I have passed my worst trait on to my daughter.

*Sadly, I am not thin in real life.

**Yes, I Googled the author's name. Seriously, if you haven't read this book and enjoy children's literature (or books in general) you need to read this.

***Actually ending on November 18, which I know isn't that far away, but it feels like an eternity, especially when you see how many reviews are left to be completed.

****"Trying" is the operative word. Anyone who has tried to do anything while depressed knows how hard that can be. Speaking of that..if anyone has ever wondered what my depression feels like, this blog tells it both better, and more humorously than I ever could: Hyperbole and a Half: Adventures in Depression

Too tired...

I was going to write about all the things at work that are irritating me right now, but I am tired and I have to roast a chicken.

Why, you may be asking, did I bother to post at all, since I don't have anything to say.

I found this...http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/ and wanted to share. It's an audio file, and headphones are probably recommended if you at work or around your kids.

I'm thinking of writing a letter like this to The Godfather. It would probably make me feel better.

Tallyho!*

*I have no idea while I just wrote "Tallyho," it just seemed like a good way to end things today.

Are my organs curling?

Today was my first visit with my psychiatrist since my hair started curling*. We had a brief phone call where he assured me that I wasn't going to die before my appointment today. I did ask him if my organs were curling too** and we had a long talk about my drugs. The short version is that no one knows the long term implications of the drugs that I am on--they haven't been around long enough. This is why every month I have blood work done to make sure that my liver is still working. (Blood tests are bad for people with anxiety disorder--we spend the 48 hours waiting for the test results positive that our livers are failing.)

So far, my liver is fine and I am fine. My doctor reminded me that I went on to my current regiment of drugs when I was in the hospital and that they were instrumental in turning my life around. Everything is a kind of calculated risk. I take drugs that make me feel okay and hope that there aren't any long term effects. I don't drink (which makes me really sad sometimes), I'm careful with other medications, and I hope for them best.

I do still wonder if my organs are curling, though.

*The doctor was aware of the "risk" of hair loss and hair curling, however I'm his first patient to ever experience it. I'm special.

**Those are the exact words that I used. I like to keep the doctor on his toes.