Forgive me in advance for sounding like a drama queen.
So, the thing that I've been dreading happened tonight and my depression has caught up with me. I was wrong this time and I thought that it would be maina, but instead I have its evil twin. I can tell you the exact moment that it happened--I went to the mall tonight to return some stuff that didn't match with with other stuff and I was driving home and was overcome with sadness. If you've never had this feeling, I don't really know how to discribe it. It sort of feels like drowning in this big pool of nothing. You are completely overcome and are working to tread water to keep from going under.
I saw my doctor on Tuesday and he adjusted my medications. I'm not currently taking an antidepressent, just a mood stabolizer and an antipsychotic (and yes, the fact that I need to be on an antipsychotic scares the shit out of me on a daily basis). I need to give this current dosage change about 2 weeks and if I don't feel any better, I'll call the doctor and he will probably add in an antidepressent. I'm due to see him again in a month, regardless.
I was really hoping that I was going to avoid a major episode this Spring because I was being proactive. I hate feeling like this. In addition to the depression there is a huge amount of guilt that comes with being a mother because I know that I'm not the best mother during these times. Because guilt is a downward spiral, I also start to worry about my crappy genes and wonder if I passed this on to Sweet Pea. (There is definately a genetic link in my family--I am positive that my dad is bipolar, as is my sister and there are other relatives that may have been.)
My plan for right now is to take something to help me sleep, even though it's only 8:00, and hope that with some rest the morning's outlook will have improved.
Excuse my language, but I fucking hate this. (Sometimes it feels good to say the "f" word.)
I completely understand. While I often get the mania, my main fallback is the crippling depression. When that hits me I just completely withdraw. My body hurts and I can't get out of bed and I just can't function, and then I add the guilt on top of that for being a crappy mother and I feel worse.
ReplyDeleteSomething my therapist told me (on the few times I went - I don't like therapy at all) was that her own mother had HUGE periods of depression - like where she was hospitalized for months at a time. But she said she honestly doesn't really remember those times as much as she remembers all the wonderful times she had when her mother was well. She compared it to other diseases like cancer - when you're going through treatment, you have to focus on yourself so you can get better quickly. It's hard, but children understand that parents get sick. And then, when you're better, you know that you're a good and involved mother.
So, take the time to be selfish so you can be better...I know these aren't rational or easy thoughts, but it made me feel a tiny bit better.
love you!