I Work in a Triangle

So, I decided to start a blog. I have no idea who will read this blog. I don't even know who I'm going to send the website to yet. I just feel like writing it.

I used to go to therapy weekly (sometimes twice a week when things were bad) and while I hated therapy on so many levels (I never want to be asked "how did that make you feel" again), it was nice to talk and have someone be obligated to listen to me. Writing feels sort of like that. I know that I could keep a journal, but I like the idea that this is OUT THERE and that someone (maybe) will hear me. (Also, I would rather type.)

I started my new job this week and I work in a triangle. Literally-my workspace is a triangle--not even a whole cubical. My desk is set at an angle in the corner of a hallway, thus making my triangle. One good thing about my triangle is that one whole wall is a window. The bad thing is my complete and total lack of privacy. I feel like my "phone skills" are being judged every time I talk on the phone, because I can hear everyone in my area on the phone, so I'm sure that they can hear me.

I have been lucky with jobs. I moved from college to having an actual office--a really nice office (although the door didn't lock, which caused other problems that won't be discussed here)--after a brief stint in a conference room. (I made a "Please Don't Tap on the Glass" sign for my conference room at one point.) After my office, I started working from home. I haven't worked in an office in five years. When I arrived at work on Monday and they brought me to my triangle I literally thought that I might cry...which brings me to another point.

I'm in mourning for my old job or my old life or something old... Losing my job last October was horrible and heartbreaking. I didn't really talk about it, partly because my idiot husband (who will not be reading this blog, so I'm allowed to call him that here, maybe just this once) got fired for doing something stupid about a week after I was laid off. It has been almost six months and it still makes me sad to think about losing my job. Although I know that this wasn't the case, I feel like such a failure.

I'm lucky in many ways with my new job. I have great hours that allow me to spend time with my daughter and I'm being well compensated, but my new position is a demotion in job duties. I never thought that my identity was so tied up in what I did before, but it is. On Monday I heard Mr. X (I haven't decided what to call him here yet) on the phone talking to a client. It was a conversation that I have had with clients dozens and dozens of times over the past (almost) 12 years. As I listened to him I realized that I was probably never going to have that conversation again, and, like my triangle, I had to work to not cry. I keep telling myself that this is better--my old situation was a powder keg of stress and not good for my health. I tell myself that this is what I was looking for and what I was wanting. I want a work place that isn't toxic. This will be a job that I can leave at the office at the end of the day. But right now it just feels like something less...kind of like vanilla pudding when that really isn't want you wanted for desert.

Things will get better, I am sure. (Getting a paycheck again will be really nice.) Until then, I am trying think about a movie that I saw in early elementary school. It was called (I think) "My Corner" and was about a little boy that lived in an apartment in the city. He had to share his bedroom and felt like he had no space of his own. His mother made him his own little corner of the apartment, using some furniture to make a divider. Even though I had my own room, I always wanted my own corner (in fact I tried to make several "corners" in my bedroom, but they never looked like the movie) and I guess got my wish...

So, I am The Girl Who Works in a Triangle and I will keep you posted on my adventures...