Let the Crazy Out?

First, you must imagine the title of this post sung to the tune of "Let the Sunshine In," from the musical "Hair," because that's how I'm imagining it.

One of the worst things (at least for me) about having a mental illness is never knowing what's coming and the feeling that you can't trust your feelings, because they might be the beginnings of Crazy, and that's Crazy with a capital "C." I haven't been feeling well lately and I wonder if I'm drifting towards mania. Yes, I've called my doctor and yes, I having an upcoming appointment.

I'm trying to pin everything on the amount of stress that I've been under lately and the big change with going back to work, but I have this underlying dread that it is more. Prior to being diagnosed as bipolar, I thought that mania meant that people were really happy and having fun. My mania, at least, isn't like that. Mine feels more like compulsions, exhaustion (from the inability to make my mind stand still and lack of sleep) and the undertaking of crazy tasks. Right now I feel like I'm being pulled towards a dinner compulsion. I used to be a meal planner, which was good, and it makes sense with going back to work to start that again. The problem is that my need to plan doesn't feel right.

This is where the crappy part of mental illnesses comes in for me. When I was really sick almost 2 years ago and ended up in the hospital I was doing two things that I truly enjoy, but in an unhealthy way. I was cooking and sewing to an extreme. I literally couldn't stop. Once I got better I've never been able to pick up those to things again in the way I used to do them pre-crazy, for fear that they will make me crazy again. It's really hard to feel the need to cut out favorite activities to make yourself safe from your head. Yes, I know that cooking won't make me crazy. Right now this feeling that I need to plan out every meal that I'll make for the next I'm not sure how long is feeling bad.

This concludes the downer part of today's post...

Now for something completely different.

I've found another benefit to my corner. My window overlooks the door to the office building, allowing me to observe the comings and goings of everyone in the office. (Because my corner is in the back hallway, I wouldn't have a way to know if people were in or out without this.) Today this allowed me to play solitaire on my phone (because I had nothing to do) until I saw Mr. X come back from his lunch appointment. When I saw him walk in the door, I was able to go back to reading a really boring investment article.

I've decided to stick with Mr. X as the name for my immediate supervisor. The Big Cheese owns the company and I think tomorrow I will be having lunch with The Big Cheese.

I'm finally able to sing again, after basically losing my voice with illness last October. (Anyone else see the coincidence that I lost my voice in October?) I was able to sing with the choir again at church last night and it's nice to know that some things haven't changed. My biggest choir pet peeve is still there. There is a woman in choir who is a pretty good musician, but she drives me insane. We got a new director about 2 years ago and I think that she is secretly upset that no one asked her to direct, so she feels the need to try and direct from within the body of the choir. I almost whacked her with my hymnal last night after she turned around to tell the men (in a very bad stage whisper) that they were rushing for about the eighth (and I am not exaggerating) time. But then I decided that whacking people with hymnals is not what Jesus would do.

Tonight is the First Grade Play, so it's time to take a nap on the couch before I need to make the Chinese Dumplings, and yes, those things do go together.