That didn't last long...

Remember how I was so excited after my review? It didn't last.

This morning I was called into a "Strategy Meeting" with The Big Cheese, Mr. X and Will. I will not claim that I knew what was coming, however I did get really nervous prior to the meeting, based on how Mr. X was acting.

BCFG has "decided to go another way." After our meeting last week, I thought that I was going to get more job duties and responsibilities. Today I found out that my job duties will be cut, which they are using to justify a $15,000 cut in my salary.

I sat there in the meeting totally shocked as more and more words came out of Mr. X's mouth. All I was thinking was "keep your face neutral--do not let them see what they are doing to you." I think I was successful. At least I didn't openly crumple.

After the meeting I walked back to my desk, ramrod straight, and went back to work.* Mr. X came over to my desk, telling me he understood if I needed to make some phone calls. It would have been a very cold day in hell before I would have made any calls about this in front of him.** I spent the rest of the day telling myself it was not okay to cry. I want to go out with them thinking that they made a terrible mistake.

I have a week to make a decision and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Right now I'd just like to crawl into a hole.*** We can't get by with my making $15,000. It took me six months to find this job and I really don't want to look for another one. I think that I'm going to have to go back to work full time and the idea of that literally makes me sick.

I'm starting to get really angry about all of this. BCFG is doing really well financially. The company's profits have been shared openly at those stupid Monday Morning Meetings that I am forced to attend, and their revenue is up significantly this year. There is no financial reason for them to pay me less--they are justifying it because of the reduction in job duties, which I don't want. I proposed MORE job duties at my review. BCFG is a Boys Club. I've worked in a male-dominated industry my whole career, but this is the first time that I feel that there is discrimination because I'm a woman and a mother.

I'm also mad at myself. I let myself get pigeon-holed as this review creator and I didn't show my full potential. I'm second-guessing everything I've ever done and wondering if I had been more vocal about what I knew if things would be working out different.

BCFG is hiring a full time person to support Mr. X. I don't think that's an option for me anymore. I got the feeling during the "Strategy Meeting" that there is another candidate for that position. Someone is waiting in the wings to take my Triangle.

In addition to all of this, tomorrow is Sweet Pea's doctor's appointment to start the ADD drugs. I explained to her about the medication this afternoon--she did not take it well. I have bribed her with breakfast at Bob Evans**** prior to the doctor's appointment. Although I think it's the right thing to do, I'm having a really hard time with the ADD drugs. I am afraid she will lose too much of herself.

I know that lots of people are out of work right now and that in a lot of ways my life is pretty good, but I can't really see any of that now. I haven't even been employed for a year. This just feels so unfair.

*I did send several text messages, however that's not that far off from a normal day.

**Triangle = no privacy

***When I finish writing this, I will put my pajamas on, lay on the couch and try not to cry in front of my child.

****Prior to having children, I never thought that Bob Evans would become such a viable dining option. I used to make fun of it and call it "Barf Evans," which was an extremely mature name.