The Mothership

I have started to write this at least 15 times and I can't get the words out.  So, I am sitting down now with a 10 minute time limit and I'm going to write something, because writing does always make me feel better.

I've decided to call my new employer The Mothership.  It is exceedingly fitting.  Also "M" and "MS" are codes for a lot of system things and I've taught my class the mnemonic* device of "The Mothership" to help them remember.  I'm good with the mnemonic device.

Work at The Mothership is good and frustrating at the same time.  I work with a lot of very nice people, which is good.  It is frustrating because I am in training and it feels like I am going to be in training until the end of time (or June 1, which feels like it's a REALLY long time away).  I'm lucky, I guess, and all the material is coming to me very easily, but that's what makes it boring.  Today we were hand-calculating commissions on trades, so we'd understand the theory and would be better able to explain it.  I've been able to do that since college, so I breezed through my worksheet and then sat there for almost an hour, doing yet another anti-money laundering continuing education thing, while I waited for my classmates to finish.  It's like that every day.  I'm happy that it's easy, but I wish it was more challenging and that it would give my brain something to do.  I'm not doing well with idleness right now.  

I'm listening to this right now.



I'm working on memorizing it and also transposing it down about a step and a half (maybe two steps--I'm still working on it) in my head so I can sing it.  It is so soothing and I need soothing right now.

I'm not doing so well right now.  I'm so anxious that I feel like I'm going to snap in half if someone looks at me the wrong way.  I thought that the anxiety would ebb now that I'm employed and I have less to worry about, but it hasn't.  I'm stuck in this cycle to anxiety and I can't break it.  I need some drugs for that.  For the first time in my life I've kind of gone off food.  I was by myself this weekend and I barely ate anything.  I just packed lunch for myself at work and I could only stomach the idea of yogurt and strawberries.  I'm too worried to eat.  I don't even know what I'm worried about...everything...nothing...all at the same time.  I'm feeling very bipolar right now.  I hate mental illness.  I wish that there wasn't a taboo and that I could just talk about it.  I wish I could talk to work people and tell them how fragile I am feeling.  I also really want to withdrawal, which I can't do, and that's really hard.  Having a conversation at lunch is exhausting for me.  I just want to be by myself, but then when I am by myself I'm sad.  This time of year is very hard for me.  This is the fourth birthday in a row where I haven't felt well, so I believe my doctor when he says that the change of seasons really affects some people.  I'm going to the doctor on May 17th--a week from Thursday.  I can hang on until then. 

*Did you know that word started with an "m?"  Spellcheck said that it did and I had to Google it because I thought it was a different word then what I meant.