When at Night I Go to Sleep

Thanks to the Vyvanse, Sweet Pea cannot sleep, so I have been singing a lot of lullabies lately and this one, "Evening Prayer" from Englebert Humperdink's children's opera "Hansel and Gretel" has become a favorite. I always have to count out the angels on my fingers to make sure that I get all fourteen.

When at night I go to sleep
Fourteen angels watch do keep
Two my head are guarding
Two my feet are guiding
Two are on my right hand
Two are on my left hand
Two who warmly cover
Two who o'er me hover
Two to whom 'tis given
To guide my steps to Heaven

I have always liked this song. First, how can you not like something written by a guy named Englebert Humperdink? (Incidentally, thinking of Englebert Humperdink always reminds me of Prince Humperdink in "The Princess Bride," which is also something nice to think about.) The song also always reminds me of my first elementary school music teacher, Mrs. Jackson, who was the one that taught me this song. (I thought I had forgotten her name, but listening to the song it came whooshing back.) I thank her though for playing a big part in my love of music.

I got some bad news on the job front today. The Woman with the Unfortunate Last Name has two partners and they are looking to for someone who wants a lower salary than I need. I was very up front and gave them the lowest figure that I can accept, so I cannot go any lower. I have already offered to work more hours for less money than I was at BCFG. There is also another candidate that they are interested in as well. (Damn you Clay Aiken Jr.*) One of the partners is going to be out of town all next week, so it's going to be a few weeks before all of this gets resolved. I've been told that I'm The Woman's first choice, but in her words "I shouldn't stop looking." On top of all that, my unemployment claim is all messed up and even after talking to someone today I'm not really sure how to fix it. I'm feeling extra bad** because I put all my eggs in one basket and it feels like they've broken. I should have been doing more to look for a job during this time. I am so scared.

I'm not doing very well. I have cried more in the last two weeks than I have since I was in the hospital. I am not a crier. Crying makes me feel very weak, so for me to actually cry is a sign of something. I am so sad and so overwhelmed. I feel the need to "confess," which is why I'm writing. I need to tell someone. I am coping by sleeping too much. When I get depressed I basically just shut down, which makes The Husband think that I am lazy. I would love to somehow trap him in the mind and body of a depressed person for 24 hours so he would know how this feels. Wouldn't it be nice if we could make those that don't understand feel this? Anyway, back to sleeping...In terms of what I could be doing, it's not so bad. I'm not drinking. I'm not taking pills. I'm also determined to lose weight, so I'm not letting myself "eat my feelings." You have probably figured this out, but The Bloggess is probably my favorite blog, and last week she wrote this amazing post about self-harm. I reflected on that a lot because I've never hurt myself in the traditional sense. Even when I was in the hospital, I was there because I knew that if I didn't go I was going to do something. I think I was the only person there who hadn't actually tried to kill myself. I was definitely the sanest person in the locked ward. I've been thinking though, that my extreme over-eating is self harm. I am slowing killing myself. Even with all of this shit, I am going to stop. One day and one meal at a time. I owe my daughter a better legacy than I am currently leaving. I want her to see a mother who loves herself (or at least likes herself most of the time).

This is just really hard...made all the harder because I went through it less than a year ago. I am so angry at BCFG and then so sad that they didn't want me. It is so hard to be rejected like that.

So, I sleep. I sleep with Sweet Pea because she's afraid of heights and her bed is a loft*** and she can't fall asleep without me and she wakes up in the middle of the night because of bad dreams or the Vyvanse. I sing in the middle of the night. She's been asking for medicine to help her sleep, since I told her it was the Vyvanse that makes it hard to sleep. She does not know that Ambien exists and I hope she never will. Sometimes she cries while she is asleep. In the middle of everything else, I have no idea if I am doing the right thing with this drug. I want someone to just fix it for me.

So, like always, dear readers, thank you for reading. It means more to me than you know to know that someone understands, sort of, how I feel.

Don't worry friends...I will call my doctor next week. I will get through this. I will survive****. And right now I will just sleep and that's okay.

*I've decided to call this new person Clay Aiken Jr. since I already have my deep-seated hatred of Clay Aiken.

**Really eloquent, I know

***Word to the wise--don't get your kids a loft bed. It just doesn't work out.

****Please do not start singing the Gloria Gaynor song in your head now--it's not that kind of survive. This one is much more primal.