Why I am a terrible mother OR Why I should not teach the violin

Today we (and by "we" I mean "me") learned that violin teacher is not a good second career choice for me. Sweet Pea is learning Suzuki violin, which is how I was taught both piano and viola, and in the beginning of the Suzuki process the parent has to be able to demonstrate everything because there is no music book for the child to look at. Wow, is this frustrating. I know that I'm overreacting since today was the first day of practicing, but I'm really good at overreacting. Given that it is the first day, Sweet Pea is actually really good at the playing part. She can isolate one string at a time, which I remember being difficult and I was two years older than her when I started playing. However, it's the "easy" stuff that she can't do and it's driving me crazy. She is supposed to practice moving her feet from rest position (shoulder width apart, knees slightly bent) to playing position (taking a slight step out with the left foot and turning the foot out--kind of like third position in ballet). This is really hard for her. She also has a hard time with bringing the violin up and setting it on her shoulder and then holding it there with just her face. She's supposed to work up to being able to hold it for 30 seconds.

I am a terrible mother for two reasons:

1. I yelled (many times) during her first practice. I wasn't upset that she couldn't do things, it was that she kept getting so distracted by stuff like the cat sitting on the dining room table. I am going to make her hate playing, which is the opposite of what I want to do. I want her to grow up loving music as much as I do. Now she doesn't want to go to her group class on Sunday so I need to do some major fixing of things before I ruin everything.

2. This stuff is going to be harder for her and I know that. We have known for awhile that Sweet Pea has a delay with both gross and fine motor skills. She's had occupational therapy in the past, which has helped, but we probably need to look into doing again. Her hands and her body just don't work like other kids her age and I know that. I know it so much that I'm working with the school on a regular basis trying to get as many public school benefits as we can get in the private school. On top of the motor skills, she's been diagnosed with mild ADD and is probably dyslexic. I advocate for advantages for her all the time, yet I can't be accommodating during her first practice. I am like the Tiger Mom on crack and soon I will start freaking out about wire hangers (although I think I use more wire hangers than anyone else in the house).

You might be saying "Have The Husband practice with her." This will not work because I am a control freak and he has never played a stringed instrument. If Nice Mommy comes to practice, she will progress faster, since I can actually play.*

This is another one of those times when I take stock and think that I never realized that parenting was so hard. I have so many hopes for her and they go much further than the violin. I don't want to get in the way of the lovely little person that she is, but so many times I don't know how to do that. I want to make things perfect for her, not because I value perfect more than imperfect, but because I think life will be so much easier. I was going to write "there should be a book or something," but then I realized that there are millions of books, blogs, websites and relatives that tell you exactly what you should and shouldn't do with your child.

At the end of the day you just love them as much ass you can. And you don't yell at them the next time they practice their violin.

Also, no meat to report today--Big Cheese and Mr. X were both out golfing all day.

*I've been playing her tiny violin and it's kind of amazing how it's all coming back to me. I am toying with the idea of getting myself a violin so I can really play with her. Maybe then I won't be so critical. Maybe it would go easier because I could really show her what I mean.