The Mothership

I have started to write this at least 15 times and I can't get the words out.  So, I am sitting down now with a 10 minute time limit and I'm going to write something, because writing does always make me feel better.

I've decided to call my new employer The Mothership.  It is exceedingly fitting.  Also "M" and "MS" are codes for a lot of system things and I've taught my class the mnemonic* device of "The Mothership" to help them remember.  I'm good with the mnemonic device.

Work at The Mothership is good and frustrating at the same time.  I work with a lot of very nice people, which is good.  It is frustrating because I am in training and it feels like I am going to be in training until the end of time (or June 1, which feels like it's a REALLY long time away).  I'm lucky, I guess, and all the material is coming to me very easily, but that's what makes it boring.  Today we were hand-calculating commissions on trades, so we'd understand the theory and would be better able to explain it.  I've been able to do that since college, so I breezed through my worksheet and then sat there for almost an hour, doing yet another anti-money laundering continuing education thing, while I waited for my classmates to finish.  It's like that every day.  I'm happy that it's easy, but I wish it was more challenging and that it would give my brain something to do.  I'm not doing well with idleness right now.  

I'm listening to this right now.



I'm working on memorizing it and also transposing it down about a step and a half (maybe two steps--I'm still working on it) in my head so I can sing it.  It is so soothing and I need soothing right now.

I'm not doing so well right now.  I'm so anxious that I feel like I'm going to snap in half if someone looks at me the wrong way.  I thought that the anxiety would ebb now that I'm employed and I have less to worry about, but it hasn't.  I'm stuck in this cycle to anxiety and I can't break it.  I need some drugs for that.  For the first time in my life I've kind of gone off food.  I was by myself this weekend and I barely ate anything.  I just packed lunch for myself at work and I could only stomach the idea of yogurt and strawberries.  I'm too worried to eat.  I don't even know what I'm worried about...everything...nothing...all at the same time.  I'm feeling very bipolar right now.  I hate mental illness.  I wish that there wasn't a taboo and that I could just talk about it.  I wish I could talk to work people and tell them how fragile I am feeling.  I also really want to withdrawal, which I can't do, and that's really hard.  Having a conversation at lunch is exhausting for me.  I just want to be by myself, but then when I am by myself I'm sad.  This time of year is very hard for me.  This is the fourth birthday in a row where I haven't felt well, so I believe my doctor when he says that the change of seasons really affects some people.  I'm going to the doctor on May 17th--a week from Thursday.  I can hang on until then. 

*Did you know that word started with an "m?"  Spellcheck said that it did and I had to Google it because I thought it was a different word then what I meant. 

I have the prettiest lunch!

My sisters got me a Bento Box for my birthday.  

I have always wanted one and now that I will be packing my lunch for work every day, I have good reason to have one.

Look how cute my lunch is.

Although it is tiny, it holds a lot.  I have about 3/4 cup of rice, a chicken breast, broccoli, two carrots, a bunch of grapes and a tiny pig-shaped bottle of soy sauce.  (The accessories are the best part.)  Now I feel like taking pictures of my lunch each day, but I promise this will be the only time that I make you look at it. 

Here's the little bag that I made to carry it in. 

I have the prettiest lunch!

*I cannot get the first picture to center and it's driving me crazy.  I've been trying to fix it for about 10 minutes with no success, so I'm giving up.  Imagine that it's centered, okay?

I Think I'm Going to Like It Here

A short post because I am very tired...

The new job went well.  I think that I am going to like it.  I have 6 more weeks of training and I'll be done on June 1, which is Sweet Pea's last day of school.  I think I am the most excited about all the opportunities that I will have.  It's been a long time since I've had a job with actual advancement opportunities. 

Over the next few weeks I'm sure that I'll come up with code names for everyone...I"ll have to work on that.

One brief thought--life is sure a lot like high school.  The "cool kids" still seem to sit in the back of the room.  I am not one of the cool kids and I'm sitting in the front row.  I'm okay with that--I figure that you start as you mean to go on and I have my sights set on bigger things than being cool.

Good night.

And now I have the stomach flu

I think that I spoke to soon with being all excited about the job.  Things are royally f-ed up and pretty much beyond my control to fix.  I might write about the details later, but I don't really want to think about them now.  For the first time in my life though, I am actually considering suing someone.  It is possible that a former employer did something on a form that may cost me a job, and if that's the case, I want some compensation.*  Really though, I just want all of this to be over.

I woke up this morning and started throwing up, so now I have the stomach flu.  At first I thought that it was just another manifestation of how stressed I am, but now my whole body feels like it's been hit by a truck, so I'm guessing that's the flu.  I'm really hoping that Sweet Pea doesn't get this--I'm not in the mood to have to clean up  puke right now. 

I think I'll lay on the couch some more. 

*I am imaging going into the compliance officer's office with a dueling pistol "demanding satisfaction," but since I don't have any dueling pistols, I'll refrain. 

It is not official yet...

But I have a job...  My interview this morning went very well and I received a call from the recruiters around 2:00 this afternoon.  I have completed a mountain of paperwork and now they are verifying my securities licensing and making sure that I haven't committed any felonies.  Once that all goes through, I'll get the official offer, which I am planning to accept.  I'm pretty excited because I'll also get to cancel my Friday interview in Chicago.  (I wasn't looking forward to that.)  I'll be starting Monday, which is just crazy.

My overwhelming emotion right now is exhaustion.  I am happy and I am excited, but mostly I am just tired.  I'm hoping for a good and anxiety free sleep tonight (where I don't spend any time worrying that I might be having a heart attack). 

Guess what--it looks like I will still be working in a triangle.  I got a little tour today and the desks are kind of set up in little pods--triangular shaped pods.  It must be my destiny. 

UPDATED -- The Cart Before the Horse

I have another interview tomorrow.  This one is for a position that would be okay, but isn't something that I'm super-excited about.  (Granted, I don't know a ton about the job yet, but it isn't exactly what I see myself doing.)  I've been informed that this company wants to move very quickly--they have a training class that will be starting next Monday.  Putting the cart before the horse, as usual, I am assuming that they will want to hire me.  For an unemployed person, the thought of going back to work should be fabulous.  I need to be working again--I am bored out of my mind, anxious to the point that I feel sick most of the time, and, candidly, we are running out of money.  The thought of going to work for this company on Monday is kind of terrifying.  Taking this job would mean saying no to so many possibilities and it is hard to imagine those doors closing.

Right now I am engaged in another horrible day of waiting...As time moves toward the end of the day, I am more sure that it's bad news from my first choice company.  I can't imagine any scenarios of good news when it would be taking them this long to get back to me, given the fact that I've called and emailed.  I laid everything on the line for that job and there isn't anything else that I can do.  Rejection is never fun.  Most of my rejection during this job search has been very passive-aggressive--people basically just don't get back to me.  It has still hurt a lot and I never thought that I would be out of work for this long.

I dream of good health insurance and 401(k) plans and of my anxiety subsiding to a point where I don't have headaches, and stomachaches and chest pains all the time.  I want so much to find the right job and I'm terrified that it won't find me.

UPDATE:  So, at 3:33 I got an email from Strategic Recruiting thanking me for my interest, but informing me that first choice job was going with another candidate.   I am disappointed, but relieved in a strange way.  Some of my anxiety has been lifted, since I am no longer worrying about that job.  I am still under a ton of stress--I have even gotten to the point where I don't really want to eat.  (Never in a million years did I think that I would ever be so stressed that I couldn't eat--usually I eat a lot when I am stressed.)  Since the company that I'm interviewing with tomorrow wants people to start Monday, I don't think it's outside of the realm of possibilities to receive an offer on Wednesday.  Please let this be over soon.

Finally, something I meant to post on Easter.  I have become a great fan of the blog "Pinterest, You are Drunk".  This photo was posted with the following caption:

NOTHING SAYS "HE IS RISEN" QUITE LIKE A PEEPTINI

Keeping with the same theme...

I have to sing* for Good Friday in about an hour and a half.  Today's music is probably the most difficult of the year--mostly Latin and Greek (I think there's one English piece thrown in, just to mess with us) and the majority of it was written in the 13th or 14th century.  I should be warming up and, in all sincerity, contemplating Christ's Passion.  I love church on Good Friday--it's second only to the Easter Vigil tomorrow**.  Today, however, I do not have my "head in the game," as it were.***

I sent an email this morning to my first choice job--hoping to force their hand and MAKE them tell me if I'm still a candidate.  I let them know that I'm in the final interview stage for other positions.  I am really hoping to hear something because I am going insane.  Should I ever been in the position to hire someone I promise I will not put them though this.

In the meantime--I found this piece of fabulous-ness on a friend's Facebook wall and thought that I would share it with all of you.

 http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/

This one is my favorite...

*I should say "I get to sing"

**Christmas Eve is my fourth favorite, if you were wondering.  First Communion (even when it's not my child) is number three.

***I do however, have this "gem" stuck in my head...my memory is a blessing an a curse.